me at the mall tonight with the kids

It's always interesting when I get to the mall with the kids. Within moments of walking in the door, we were almost run over by a train that randomly drives around the mall. My oldest son turned to me and asked, "Did we just become a part of a Bugs Bunny cartoon?"

Pretty good one-liner... made me laugh out loud. Here are a few of mine that popped out of me throughout the night:

--

Kiosk Salesperson #1: "Excuse me, sir?" (as I'm walking along) "What phone do you use?" (she's obviously trying to get me to tell her the wrong answer because she's selling the right answer)

Me: "The one in my pocket." (I keep walking)

--

Kiosk Salesperson #2: "Hey there! Didn't you guys just walk by?" (I had to double back to look for my daughter's shoe)

Me: "Yes. God is running out of extras. We're pulling a double shift for you tonight."

--

Food court vendors:

#1: Free chicken on a toothpick?

#2: Free chicken on a toothpick?

#3: Free chicken on a toothpick?

#4: Free chicken sandwich on a toothpick?

#5: Free frozen yogurt sample?

Me: Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure.

By the way, this yogurt place blasts techno music mixed with 80's songs while you pick from among a couple dozen flavors that you pump out yourself. Pretty cool sample.

an after-dinner conversation in the Myles home

The scene: After dinner. I'd just made some delicious fajitas. We're putting things away, and I see a chance to flirt with my wife.

Me: "So... is this your lettuce?" (shows brand label to Katie - it says "Foxy" on it)

Katie: (laughs)

(seconds later, I shift to an entirely new conversation. I see some sour candy on the counter the kids don't like)

Me: So, is this my candy?

Both of us instantly and awkwardly see the name on the candy is "Trolli."

Me: (quickly) Doh... nevermind.

Katie: (laughs) Did you do that on purpose?

Me: OF COURSE NOT!

Katie: (laughs) You couldn't do that again if you tried.

feeling the (t)-pain

Look what came with the loaner car my mechanic gave me.

Sweet!  It's the one I was missing in my extensive T-PAIN collection.

give me a break

Twice today I accidentally drove with the 'emergency brake' on.

It's time we rename that thing 'lever you pull that does nothing unless you're already stopped.'

odd things that odd things reveal

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks, Mario Kart.

a request for subway

A polite request to anyone who works for Subway or who happens to have managerial sway.

Thank you.

hairy revelations

A very informative graph explaining the correlation of lifestyle versus facial hair length.

with a nod to mitch hedberg

I tried to have a simple breakfast today.

You know that raisin bread?

That stuff is fancy.

That stuff is wrapped twice.

You open it, and then it still isn't open.

You know, at this stage in my life...

I don't need another step between me and toast.

the most fruitless job

You know who must have the most fruitless job?

The guy who comes out and puts a fancy, colored cape on James Brown when it appears that he's done singing and starts to make his way out offstage.

But really James isn't done, for as soon as the cape is placed down, he sort of generates some more "James Juice" and then turns around to fire back up to the microphone (and ends up shedding the aforementioned colored cape).

That guy who put it there has to be thinking, "I know I'm getting paid, and paid well, but really... am I making any real dent in this world?"

I think about these things.

Because I'm a dork.

tonyology

It's been a while since I filled out one of these "get to know me" surveys, so I hope this in some way answers questions you never thought about asking me.

Feel free to respond back with your answers. Or... you can just laugh at mine.

***********FOODOLOGY***************
1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Ranch

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Too hard a question - a toss up between Gino's East and Mongolian BBQ.

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Chinese.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
If it's Gino's East, we're talking the high rise corn bread crust with the sausage patty style that layers the entire thing... I call it the "cholesterol lovers."

5.What do you like to put on your toast?
Whatever looks like butter in our house but is actually healthier.

***********TECHNOLOGY***************
1. How many televisions are in your house?
Four - two for home entertainment, one is for school for the boys, and one for work.

2. What color cell phone do you have? Black

3. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has? No, but I know a handful of guys who do... and that's what really matters.

***************BIOLOGY****************** 1. Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes... it's called a sliver.

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted? My Total Gym exercise equipment when I brought it to service last week as a sermon illustration.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No, but I have passed out (for non-alcoholic reasons).

************BULLOLOGY************** 1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Yes, assuming Jesus doesn't come back first.

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Tony Bon Jovi

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? If my health insurance covered the consequences.

************DUMBOLOGY****************** 1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own? One, but they are cool Nike style.

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
On the bad side, not counting a traffic ticket several years back, that would be in high school... I was caught forging medical slips for my friends to get out of gym class. On the good side, when I brought them cookies over the summer with my family.

3. Last person you talked to? Katie, my bride

4. Last person you hugged? Katie, my bride

**************FAVORITOLOGY**************** 1. Season? Summer

2. Holiday? Christmas

3. Day of the week? Tuesday

4. Month? July

***********CURRENTOLOGY***************** 1. Missing someone? Not by death, but by their choice to avoid me rather than resolve conflict.

2. Mood? "Almost in sync"

3. What are you listening to? Songs I have in my mp3 library that I've skipped over.

4. Watching? New shows I've recorded and have yet to catch up on, as well as TV shows I'm screening for my boys to be sure it's not full of junk humor.

***************RANDOMOLOGY***************** 1. First place you went this morning? To put the dog out, who won't stop whining.

2. What's the last movie you saw? Theater: Astro Boy
DVD: Ice Age 3

3. Do you smile often?
Yes, usually because my family cracks me up.

***************OTHER-OLOGY***************** 1. Do you always answer your phone? Usually... but not if I'm prioritizing family when it goes off. And as much as possible, I intentionally don't look at the caller ID.

2. It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Brandon Benfield.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be? Always thought it would be fun to have blue eyes, but I like my browns.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I liked the Mango Limeade a couple weeks ago, but believe the Watermelon/Strawberry Smoothie trumped it.

5. Do you own a digital camera? Yes - I used to use it more when I worked for a great metropolitan newspaper, though. Even took a "front pager" back in the day.

6. Have you ever had a pet fish? Not for very long - like a carnival fish that lasted for a day.

7. Favorite Christmas song(s): Hallelujah - instrumental rock version

8. What's on your wish list for your birthday? Time with my family... and a Gino's East pizza.

9. Can you do push ups? Yep, especially if it involves eating the orange sherbet kind.

10. Can you do a chin up? Yep... "a" chin up.

11. Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Both, because I know what's coming and because I know what's coming after that.

12. Do you have any saved texts? Yes... many because of sentimental reasons, several because of many things I'm multi-tasking, and a few because I unfortunately need to protect myself.

13. Ever been in a car wreck? A few - seatbelt saved me every time.

14. Do you have an accent? In one rural town I lived in, I was told I did. Then again, this was by people who pronounced "cement" as "see-ment." So you tell me.

15. What is the last song to make you cry? The instrumental music played under the last few scenes of "Marley and Me."

16. Plans tonight? Working for the church, investing into my family, and finishing several loose-end tasks (including finishing a book I'm writing and editing one I already finished). Speaking of which, why am I taking this quiz again?

17. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yep... and then I went even further.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Nothing. We didn't spend any money yesterday.

19. Have you ever been given roses? Once, to wear at a wedding.

20. Current worry? I worry for others who are worrying instead of finding faith... odd, eh?

21. Current hate right now? Limited resources.

22. Met someone who changed your life? Everyone whom I've ever met... yes.

23. How will you bring in the New Year? With the family.

24. What song represents you? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk

25. Name three people who might complete this questionnaire?
Um... no.

26. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes... but only for a visit, to make a few investments into certain companies that start with "Micro" and end with "soft," and so on.

27. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Since I still am dating my wife, yes.

28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? Since I still am dating my wife, yes.

29. Do you have any tattoos/piercings? No, but I once had an earring during the 90210 era that has left a hole. Darn that Jason Priestly!

30. Does anyone love you? Yes... without a doubt.

31. Ever had someone sing to you? All the time.

32. When did you last cry? After a friend shared about a possible divorce happening in their household.

33. Do you like to cuddle? With my wife and kids, yeah.

34. Have you held hands with anyone today? Yes.

35. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Whatever my parents had on... mostly 8-tracks of Kenny Rogers, the Blues Brothers, and Don Ho. Yeah... Don Ho.

36. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? All over the map.

37. Do you like pulpy orange juice? It is the best kind.

38. What is one thing people don't know about you but should?
If you don't do your part, I'll pick up the slack and burn out. So please do your part so that I can do my part. Besides, it's better that way.

question of the day

So... is it *ever* a good idea to pick up someone's loose change they left behind on a public restroom floor?

thank you for the thank you

I don't know who originally thought to put nuts in brownies, but it's just wrong. They're like speedbumps to the true taste... always thinking, "Did I just eat a nut? What happened to the brownie. Oh wait, there it is. And yet... another nut."

So to the great people (Junior Teen Connection and their awesome leader Kim) who gave me a pan of brownies this week without the nuts in them, thank you.

And again, I thank you.

And once more, thank you.

Thanks for remembering me and for encouraging me as I attempt to do the same.

hey batter batter

Admittedly, I haven't played a lot of sports growing up. So when our church decided to play some co-ed softball this summer, I assumed I'd need to show up prepared.

Unfortunately, I'm not. And this is the mit I showed up to play ball with.

nywc: inspirations from a walk to eat lunch

Why are these guys yelling at people about how they shouldn't eat Cinnabons? They were looking over the escalator, using a megaphone to do so.

If you know these people, there is help available. Perhaps even prescription drugs.

Anyway, we eventually found a place to eat - a Chinese Restaurant called the Golden something or 'nother. Which I find it odd that the Asian theme is following me last night, this morning, and at lunch.

I haven't eaten in a Chinese sit-down, order off the menu restaurant in quite some time. You know how it goes - most of them are buffets these days. Probably because it's easier for Americans to pick Chinese food they want to eat by sight versus by words.


It was good, but the best part was the Lazy Susan built into the table. Clearly, you are intended to eat in community in this place... which is quite a powerful concept in a buffet world.

One is about sharing with the group - the other is about piling your plate.

I wonder... which represents how you are living today?

Then on the way back I saw an odd picture on a truck and had to take a picture. Because, yes - it would take a literal goat offering me coffee to ever get me to drink it.


And that ain't ever happening, slappy.

(Now, don't plan on staging something like this... because I would only accept it as genuine if it was the goat's idea and not yours... and I'd know the difference.)

nywc: inspirations from three heavy bags

Okay... I admit it.

I know how to scam a lot of free stuff from the exhibitor's hall.

A lot.

A lot.


But man - it hurts the back as you carry it around all day and then back to the hotel.

(I promised my wife I wouldn't bring home any frisbees this year - and I haven't).

Still...

I got a lot of free t-shirts.

And some Skittles, I think.

fun with a camera phone - pt 2

Same drill as last time... just random stuff I captured on my camera phone, because (as we all know) that is what our society has turned us into... camera phone photographers.

Who knew that babies needed to listen to lullabies from The Cure?


This tree looked like one of the ones from the Wizard of Oz - like it was about to come alive and shake me around a bit until I handed over some apples.


Yes - when he's not selling oatmeal, Wilford Brimley is an organ grinder.

Saw this one at the counter of a Goodwill in town... nice.

This always drives me crazy... they market H-level movies right next to the A-movie, hoping that some unknowing person will come by and grab the wrong movie.



I saw this marquee yesterday as I was driving around town. Write your own joke.

mythbusters: what does a pastor do?

We started a new sermon series this past Sunday called Mythbusters. It was also our first Sunday in our new building.

Lots of visitors... many of whom didn't know what to expect of the kind of church we are.

And so before I opened the Word of God... we played this video.

ah... finally

Monday at lunch I was doing something odd. It involved biting a piece of cheese so it would look like various U.S. States.

My four-year joyfully soaked it in without question, while my seven-year old processed it with a half-cocked eyebrow.

The four-year old laughed, but the seven-year old spoke.

"You're weird."

Ah... finally.

Finally he knows.

I'm often doing things like this to make my kids laugh. Something in the genre of a silly voice or crazy impression... only this time it involved a dairy product.

My wife cheered a bit inside, and even a little spilled out of her. That which she has known all along he has just now realized by another in our household. It's only a matter of time for the youngest... and then the dog.

The things I do to bring fun into my household are weird. Yes, definitely, definitely weird... because there is so much unbridled laughter to be found in such things. Which is why I do them, even though they are weird.

Meanwhile, my oldest son is developing a worldview of his own. He compares that which he knows to be "normal" and realizes that his dad is doing something many people don't do. The only way to sum it all up is to state that I am weird, which I am indeed.

That is a skill I hope he maintains.

Only I hope his version of "normal" isn't merely that which is common in our world, because that which is common in our world is what is "weird."

What is "normal" is the reality of God.

• It's what we fail to envision with our eyes and yet clearly see.
• It's what we cannot hear and yet yearn to sing along with.
• It's what we cannot touch and yet crave to be hugged with.
• It's what we cannot smell and yet long to know the aroma of.
• It's what we cannot taste and yet salivate to chew on.

Which is why when someone does something "normal" in an abnormal world the newspapers write about it and we feel good, or ABC makes a TV show about it and we all watch it with Kleenex close by, or why when we hear about a God who doesn't just accept the broken world but enters it in order to fix it we think it to be absolutely captivating.

Our culture doesn't get it and labels it weird. But why wouldn't a Bizarro world think the true normal to be backward? Such forward "non-weird weirdness" is refreshment to our otherwise dry lives.

It causes our souls to cry out, "Ah... finally."

The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life. (Revelation 22:17)

I'd love to talk more about this, only it's getting late and I have to work on my Morgan Freeman impersonation. That way when I call the video store tomorrow and slowly ask in a crackly, narrator like voice if they stock "The Bucket List" or "Shawshank Redemptive," the guys on the other end can wonder a bit... "Is this...? Nah can't be. Probably some guy who is just weird."

Which, of course, I am.

Are you?

The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. (1 Corinthians 2:14)

Oh, by the way, say hello to Super Leg and Bat Leg.

something i'm quite sure of

My wife went to the movies tonight, and I'm quite convinced that I will NOT be seeing the movie MAMA MIA! - even though they added that exclamation point at the end.

a few spoiler free observations from batman

So yeah... I did the crazy fan thing and went to go see BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT tonight. Or should I say this morning? I just got back and I'm not quite sure what day it actually is.

I had this theory - the movie starts at midnight, so I should leave my house around 10pm. I know this time slot means different things in different areas of the country... some regions would require you to be there no more than a half hour early, while others would require a day.

Keep in mind, this isn't to buy tickets. Tickets are bought in advance.

This is so you can get a good seat. The perfect seat. The perfect, perfect seat.

While that's happening, you get to meet interesting people in line. People who may believe that Batman should wear eyeglasses (as pictured here). This is always a risk, because (as I mentioned) you're there a long time and so people start talking.

I suppose I should mention that up until tonight I'd seen no ads or previews for this movie on purpose. In my opinion, most previews (not to mention Happy Meal ads and Wal-Mart toy aisles) ruin the movie experience these days because you can tell the plot before you see the movie. I like my movies (especially epic movies) to be mysterious, and since I usually figure things out in advance from previews this is troublesome.

For instance, when the preview for the Sixth Sense came out some years ago, I leaned over to my wife and said, "Bruce Willis is a ghost, too." I never did see the movie, but I hear I was right. And that's my point - I didn't need to see the movie.

This one, though, I wanted to see. And so when I got there and there was this little guy (not a kid, and not a midget... just a little guy, and the only reason I mention that is because he had a weird sort of Red Bull inspired energy that sort of made me a bit worried, but he was a little guy, so I wasn't that worried).

Anyway, the little guy started talking with me and my neighbor while we waiting for four other guys to join us. "Say, did you hear that Gambit is going to be in the Wolverine movie?"

And I thought, "Dang it! This guy reads sci-fi magazines/web sites and knows stuff. He's going to spoil the movie for me." So I started talking with my neighbor about gasoline, because let's face it... everyone wants to talk about gasoline and how much they can't stand talking about gasoline. Anyway, the little guy interrupted, "I don't mean to interrupt you guys," even though he did, "but I saw one of those new spark cars out on the road this week."

I suppose I should know what a spark car is. Is that one of those new toys you shake back and forth really hard and then release? I don't know... I really don't know. All I knew was that I wasn't talking about Batman and that was good. But I realized the more I talked with this guy the more we might eventually talk about Batman. So I kept talking as though I was following him, even though I wasn't.

"Right," I said. "Spark cars. What kind?"

And he went on a bit about that, and then realized he was in the wrong line because his theater's line was on the other side of the theater.

About this time, my line had formed well.

I later found out that there was only one theater pre-sold before 11pm, but by midnight four theaters were sold out with 1100-1200 people in attendance. All of them wanting to get a good seat. The perfect seat. The perfect, perfect seat.

Maybe that's why the cops showed up.

I went over to one of the cop cars (I believe there were four, and a motorcyle cop, which always makes me think about Erik Estrada or the melty-metal guy from Terminator 2) and spoke with the policeman. He was in tough policeman mode - the kind where they all sort of speak the same. You know what I mean, right? You ask them a question and they sort of put their chin down on a slightly titled angle so that as they speak to you in a very swaggery, monotone voice their eyes sort of look up at you as if to say, "You just try something buddy." Actually, there eyes do that while there sort of looking around you at the same time, like there's a person behind you that they're trying to see while they sort of look at you at the same time.

I don't mean to imply that all cops do this. Only all of the ones I've spoken with. And maybe every one of the rest that I haven't spoken with, too.

But not all of them. Just those.

Anyway, I said to the cop (as he looked back at me with his chin downward and his eyes raised), "Are you guys here all night?"

The cop replied - actually, first he looked behind me at the imaginary little guy (not the one I mentioned earlier, but a different one who wasn't real at all, but the cop kept checking) - and then he replied, "Yeeeeeaaaahhhhhh... not..... really.... just.... just for now...."

By the way, for every dot you see in that sentence, that's how many times he checked for the imaginary little guy behind me (who I still don't think was there, but good grief, maybe he was and I just didn't know it, because by this point he was starting to convince me).

So I said, "You know, there's a good chance that if things go crazy tonight that you'll have to break up a fight involving Batman."

Pause. Wait for it, wait for it.

He smiled. That meant he lifted his head up for a moment and became a human. "Yeah," he said, glancing at his partner, "that would be cool."

So then the doors opened, and we all sort of walked in fast-yet-respectable-yet-sort-of-more-fast-than-respectable, not getting out of line, not running, but eager to erect and imaginary force field so that if anyone tried to pass us they would be met with the fury of nothing.

And then once in the theater, pure chaos to rush for a good seat. The perfect seat. The perfect, perfect seat.

I ran one way, and my buddy Colin ran another, and we got middle-middle-middle. You should know that this means the middle of the room, the middle aisle, and the middle chair of that aisle. I may have one too many middles accounted for, but either way I got a good seat. The perfect seat. The perfect, perfect seat.

Only... my party of 6 was a bit lopsided. This meant that I could hog the perfect, perfect seat or I could ask, "Should we move down one?" The guy on the end said, "Yeah." So we did.

So then I didn't have the perfect, perfect seat any more. I had the seat next to the perfect, perfect seat... that my buddy Rick now sat in.

Which, now I think, is cooler than the perfect, perfect seat. I mean, anyone can sit in the perfect, perfect seat... but then you'll get up and have to leave it to go to the bathroom or get some extra high fructose corn syrup nacho sauce.

But when you're in the seat next to the perfect, perfect seat it means you're trustworthy enough that when your buddy gets up you're asked, "Hey, can you save my seat? My good seat? My perfect seat? My perfect, perfect seat?"

And that's a pretty good feeling.

-------

Anyway, I mentioned in my subject line that I'd have a few spoiler free observations from the movie. Sorry I haven't mentioned any yet.

I'll think of one... let's see...

Oh yeah, seeing a movie spoiler free is like a simple metaphor for virginity. Sure, you can see all the previews and read the script online or watch a pirated version somewhere on YouTube.

Because you "can."

But when you're spoiler free, you get to feel like a kid and all sort of innocent when the experience happens.

And I think that's the way the Creator of the Story intended it to be.

But be careful, because just when you think you're safe they show you the coming attraction for the very movie you're about to see just before the movie. Which they absurdly did tonight, and so I had to run out of the theater quickly with my hands over my ears, saying, "LA LA LA LA LA LA."

But it was all good, because my buddy Rick kept watch on my almost good seat.

My almost perfect seat.

My almost perfect, perfect seat.