'You know it's Bill's birthday'Let's be honest, when that birthday song kicks in all you're thinking about is 'I'm getting some free cake.' " - comedian Jim Gaffigan
'Yeah, I hate that guy.'
'There's cake in the conference room.'
(pause) 'Well I should say hello.'
My wife and boys rocked my day today with all kinds of special touches, not to mention homemade lasagna and Dairy Queen ice cream cake.
So in light of today being my birthday...
Things A 35-Year Old Guy Should Never Do.
1. Use shoes or a wallet that are fastened with Velcro.
2. Wear a sweaty tank top as you head out to see your pals Sal and Manny.
3. Attempt to understand the relationship you share with your dog.
4. Hang art with scotch tape.
5. Watch live episodes of The View or The Oprah (but watching repeat episodes late at night in order to make fun of them is okay).
6. Ask a policeman, "Got any donuts you can bring back after you write that ticket?"
7. Tap on the glass of aquairums in stores.
8. Shout out an affirmative response to "Are you ready to rock?"
9. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
10. Air drum with chopsticks while waiting for food at Mongolian BBQ (because the other day I saw this guy doing it and he drove me crazy).
11. Wear CHIPs sunglasses indoors while you flash the "cool guy guns" across the room at with your buddy who is air drumming with chopsticks at the Mongolian BBQ (because the other day I saw this guy doing it and he drove me crazy).
12. Aloofly try to bring back outdated clothing because you don't know what's cool anymore.
13. Listen to Howard Stern.
14. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."
15. "Tip" the delivery boy with a note that says, "Don't take any wooden nickles."
16. Display a novelty bumper sticker involving a bootleg version of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes doing something naughty.
17. Read Mad Magazine in the magazine aisle of Walgreens.
18. Make prank calls to bowling alleys or chicken establishments involving strategically dirty questions regarding their products.
19. But tickets for anything that starts with "Ice" and ends in "Capade."
20. Watch Leno over Letterman.
21. Begin chanting "WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!" after you belch.
22. Appear in an infomercial by giving a "word on the street" endorsement of any product held in the hands of the former 70's TV star or athlete hosting the "show."
23. Wear superhero t-shirts out in public unless you're absolutely secure in your identity first.
24. Repeat every line of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," "The Princess Bride," or "Monty Python's The Holy Grail" if they are every played at a house party you happen to be at.
25. In fact, let's just say repeating movie lines of any movie you've seen is bad in general.
26. And that also includes repeating movie lines of something you're currently watching and are laughing at but feel the compulsive need to repeat the line you just heard while you're laughing (as though everyone around you can't put together which line you're laughing at as you distract them from watching the movie).
27. Pretend that you actually care about anything the weatherman says before he finally gets to the five-day forecast with the cute little pictures of suns, clouds, and lightning bolts.
28. Wear a baseball hat to the side (but backward-action is still cool).
29. Make a woman watch any episode of the Three Stooges with you.
30. Attempt to begin a new friendship with the phrase/question, "Hubba Bubba?"
31. Expect that one day your goal of owning either KITT or the General Lee will actually happen.
32. Do the Robot.
33. Go grocery shopping in your pajamas.
34. Be undecided on who "your teams" are.
35. Forget how your life is blessed no matter how quirky it is or you are because of it.
Thanks to Katie, Joshua, and Daniel for making today more than special.
Thanks to my mom and dad for biological birth and loving parenting as best as you knew how.
Thanks to all of my friends and readers like you who add color and textures to how I see things.
Thanks to my Savior Jesus Christ for putting Life into my life.
A Happy Birthday, indeed.