lime jello

This is my personal blog.

It's been a while since I blogged here... partly on purpose.

The last time I wrote something was just before my daughter had a seizure in January... then another. She was in the hospital and we were full of questions.

So much of our lives felt touch-and-go for a while. How could I possibly blog here?

Eventually we realized we could move forward... one cautious step at a time. But by that point I wasn't sure what to write of any personal nature.

It was around this time that someone blasted me apart in an email that was mass emailed out to 50 people (and yapped about by more than those 50). Most people saw through it, while others bought into it. Ironically, all I was trying to do was reconcile with the guy.

I was devastated. People I thought were friends suddenly became quite unfriendly. Who I am, my household and church became a "topic" - as if we could be discussed with criticism without feeling any sort of pain or damage.

By the way - a lot of pain and damage did occur.

Again, that came right after my daughter's hospital and medical issues.

As time went on, the person never apologized for it. I had to deal with the wake of it almost every other week as someone new was caught up in its ripples.

Somewhere in there I felt the sting of a financial gap. Our church had been struggling financially, so I took a voluntary pay cut. It meant extra side work was necessary for me to serve my household. In the process of taking on a ton of work all at once, I wrote two books, a lot of curriculum and more. That sounds good on paper, but I ran out of juice, time and more. The stress it caused was felt throughout my family. I thought I'd bottomed out internally.

This was when all of it started to collide together... the question of medical bills, financial strain, being misunderstood by people close to us and more... all of it... it all added up.

Toss in Easter... already a big deal, but we relaunched our church around then. We had a massive building project in the mix, too. Everyone had an opinion about everything. Much of it added up and subtracted me down to a divided spirit that only multiplied.

"Boo hoo... woe is me," I thought.

Then my best guy friend in all the world lost his daughter. She was ten and died almost instantly as they were all serving as missionaries in Africa.

Devastation.

Sometimes it takes perspective to have perspective.

I've spent a lot of time in the midst of all of this trying to figure out what it means to move forward. There's much I won't write here, including how some of the struggles haven't been mine alone to bear. Others I love are likewise working out what all of this means.

I mentioned to my friend that I had a memory from January of walking downstairs in the hospital when my daughter had finally relaxed to try to find something for my wife and I to eat. It was here that I saw it...

lime jello.

Look...

I'm a pastor, and I've visited many hospitals.

In every hospital that I can remember, I have always found lime jello.

You would think that I'd find something red more often than something lime... strawberry... cherry... maybe even raspberry.

Without fail, I always see lime jello.

I shared with my friend how absurd this is - as if there was some research that was done by hospitals and they reasoned that by putting lime jello in their selection that you would think, "I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting red. But lime jello... well... that's different."

Maybe you would then think, "Maybe the unexpected is still possible. Maybe a miracle can happen. Maybe there's more to life than this moment."

Who knows? Maybe it's that strategic and subliminal. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just that lime is cheaper than any other flavor.

Either way, it's there... all the time... lime jello.


You'll notice that I took that picture in January and waited until now to post it.

It's because this past week I found some lime jello in a few different moments I wasn't expecting:

• I found forgiveness for the jerk way I was treated and belittled in the mass email. It still hurts and I have to call it for what it was, but at this point I can love the flawed source behind it. How can I not? After all, isn't this what I ask of God everyday for myself?
• I watched the church I'm in be reborn before my very eyes. God did something amazing and profound that has His fingerprints all over it through the many hands of others. It's something I've been praying for years would happen.
• I had a conversation with someone who rediscovered the cross of Jesus Christ and likewise began a shoeless walk into His holiness and grace again. Again, something I've been seeking God on.

Lime jello.

I'm not sure what the future of this blog looks like, but years ago it gave me sanity to begin it when I was going through junk about junk. Somehow it helped me find my footing, not to mention my voice.

So between here, my leadership blog and a youth ministry blog I've been offered the chance to write for I'm going to be sharing my lime jello with anyone who wants some.

Need a spoon?

being comfortable in your own skin

I saw this ad that premiered during the Super Bowl this year... maybe you did, too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-Lc9Mhi9l0



The premise is rather interesting... especially in that it's marketed to men. And it raises the question - "At what point in life are you comfortable in your own skin?"

I once heard a pastor share how his wife defined "being sexy" that way - that is, that "sexy" is when one is comfortable in his/her own skin and the world can sense it. That's an interesting comparison, for while many people would equate sexiness to good looks it is often surprising how it's more of a contagious confidence than it is striking features.

Which might sort of explain why odd looking rock stars date supermodels.

In any event, I found the phrase compelling because so much of life seems like a treadmill of having to prove oneself to others. Somewhere along the way we say we don't care, but really... we do. We're just afraid of showing it. 

But there can come a point when we really don't care. When we truly aren't shaken or stirred by the words of others, but have a sense of a stronger compass in our life.

Several months ago I was hanging out with some teenagers who "dared me" to do a crazy dance and sing in a Walgreens in order to get the woman behind the counter to laugh. I succeeded... and didn't mind at all. We later talked about why it wasn't a big deal to me, and the simple truth was that at the end of the day the loudest whisper into my life is God... not what the people around me do or don't think of me.  Since I know Jesus is crazy about me to die and live for me (and He is crazy about you in the same way, by the way), I'm more interested in letting my life sync with Him than with millions and billions of people who would love to tell me that I need to buy a product or have their approval to be "okay."

Which sort of makes the commercial ironic, don't you think?

Or as a comedian once put it, "Just when I get comfortable with my own skin, it starts sagging."

What would it take for you to get comfortable with your own skin?  Or your own life?

Of course, "you already are." 

But really... are you really?  Or are you just being a Captain Sassy Pants about it and deep down you yearn for the approval of others?

If you're not sure, think about it... and I dare you to let the still small voice of your Creator become the most important voice in your life.  And I don't mean that as a Sunday religion thing (or the occasional holiday) - I mean that in a daily, growing way... something very fully-alive.

Something powerfully real.

manufacturing feelings of entitlement

Seth Godin has a great post about the ways we tend to "amplify our complaints" when something or someone has soured our attitude.  We've all done this... it's our way of trying to be sure the other person/company we're mad at (or the people we're gossipping about him/her/them to instead) knows that our complaint is "that much more" important. 

It's like we try to *snap!* *snap!* our words... all to manufacture and validate our perceived sense of entitlement.

Like I said, I've done this... even within the church.  On more than one occasion in years past, I've said insecure things like:

"I've been around here a whole lot longer than you have, so..."

"Look, I know more about that than you do, so..."

"Hey, that's not your area but it is mine, so..."

I bring this up simply because I've been silly in the past, and I didn't realize it at the time.  I think I'm a bit sharper about this in recent years, but even still I may have missed something. So perhaps one of three applications:

• If I've hurt you in some way in years past, I apologize and need to ask for your forgiveness.  Sincerely, let me know about it... don't just ignore it, because we can't deal with it.  Please talk with me so we can address it.
  
  
  
• If I'm being silly about something now, feel free to be honest with me.  I promise to be honest with you back, whether that means me saying, "You know what? You're right."  Or it may be, "Thanks for sharing. Can I offer a perspective from my end on this?"
  
  
  
• If you're being petty or silly or snapping your fingers in ways and directions you shouldn't, can you cease and desist for the sake of the Greater Story?
  

It's all quite silly, isn't it?

We're entitled to nothing... nothing. 

Actually, I take that back - because of our rebellion against God, we are entitled to death and an empty, harsh eternity.  Check out what He did, though:

It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. (Ephesians 2:1-6, MSG)

So... God gives us a gift of grace.  It means gaining what we could never deserve or earn on our own.  And He simply asks us to share that gift of grace with one another.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)

So... can we  agree to stop trying to manufacture entitlement and instead agree to build a real relationship?  One where I trust your heart and you trust mine, even when we can't stand how the other is being odd in how its pursued. One where we don't have to qualify our feelings but instead simply share our burdens with one another and agree to help each other carry them.

I'm in.

some new year's resolutions I am begging you to make

If you're reading this, chances are you're someone who either somewhat regularly considers what I put out there or you were simply intrigued by the title of this post. Either way, I have your attention, and am desperate to share some things with you that you need to consider as you go into this new year. I know this language is somewhat extreme, but the opportunity for you to listen with the required ear is rare. After all, this week we're in is normally a time to take stock of the past as you consider your ideal hope for the future.

I'd also like to say that everything I'm about to to share is something I really agree with and believe in, only they aren't ideas I'm bringing up on my own. Specifically, I want to use this post to help you understand "some of what I've been hearing." This includes emails I receive from people in crisis, conversations I have with those whose hearts have been broken, chit-chat I take part in when I'm paying for my gas or buying groceries, and observations I make simply by... well... observing.

So while what follows are my words, it is more accurate to say that these are the thoughts and feelings of the people around you whom you may have no clue about what they are going through.

And they're right next to you.

• A Resolution I Beg You To Make:
  "I resolve to stop talking about people in 'us versus them' categories."
  
  You know that person you enjoy talking about? The one who isn't quite like you or the people in your household? The one who may listen to different music or vote for a different candidate or who raises their kids with different values than you? The one who you would love to have out of your life, only for some reason they keep crossing your path - because they work with you, carpool with you, live by you, attend church services with you, or show up to the same extracurriculars that you do?
  
  That person wrote me something this week that broke my heart.
  
  Because you have been breaking their heart.
  
  Oh, you may not realize it... because you're not calling them nasty names like you might have in junior high. At least, not to their face. Maybe just around the water cooler, or as you look out your front or back window, or online. It's like your behavior is somewhat junior high-esque in that you're giving them the silent treatment in person while grumbling about them behind closed doors.
  
  But they hear you. Trust me... they hear you.
  
  As you look down your nose at the way they talk, dress, or live, you are boxing this person not just out of your life but out of any chance they have of feeling whole around you or your relational circle. Sort of like an insecure teenager trying to be The School Playa or the Queen Bee.
  
  Granted, it's not like you have to become fishing buddies or scrapbooking sisters with everyone, but come on... you're being petty and mean and are tearing apart any chance they have of feeling like a person of any worth when they are around.
  
  Then again, maybe you do realize it. Maybe somewhere deep down you know that you are intentionally making this person feel unwelcome, and are attempting to feel better about yourself by making them feel horrible.
  
  A question - have you ever felt judged or labeled by someone else? Do you remember what it felt like for there to be a line in the sand and on one side was "us" and on the other side was "them?"
  
  If so... and you're tired of seeing hypocrisy continue in the world... stop letting it continue through your life.
  
  Because, again... you're hurting real people with real feelings.
  
  
  
• A Resolution I Beg You To Make:
  "I resolve to stop finger pointing and instead fix the problem with enduring energy."
  
  You may not want to hear this.
  
  Actually, I'm unfortunately confident you don't.
  
  Because the more I observe the patterns in our culture, the more I find that people enjoy their pain more than they care to admit. Specifically, the security that their pain gives them to blame another person for a past wrong than the insecurity of committing to work it out, "no matter what."
  
  After all, it's a whole lot easier to talk about how you were hurt by something someone said or did than it is to admit you are capable of changing the world.
  
  Often when people drive in crazy ways around me, I find myself facing the same temptation you do - to use my middle finger and a whole bunch of unproductive words to let them know how I felt about that. But I resolved a long time ago to not just be angry at the way the world is but to join Jesus in redeeming it. So when I face that road rage temptation I instead wait for the next red light, get out of my car, walk over to the car (at a distance, so to not appear antagonistic), ask that person to roll their window down, and then I say, "Excuse me. That was quite dangerous. Could you please not do that again?" 100% of the time, the person feels awkward that I broke the imaginary line and apologizes back.
  
  Maybe that's not the best example, because it's quite dangerous to talk to someone after such a moment. But my hope is the next time they presume to cut someone off in traffic - perhaps an elderly person, or a new teen driver, or my wife and kids - they will think twice and remember some loon who approached them with manners and forthrightness.
  
  But the example serves the point - you can either finger point and deconstruct what's wrong with the world... or you can enter into chaos so as to soothe it into something more productive. Maybe that chaos is stuff in your family, or the way things go down at work or school on a regular basis. Don't just "try" to change it with 10% of your energy... commit to that change for the long haul with 100% of your energy.
  
  Because you will be looked at as a loon, and it will be somewhat dangerous and insecure.
  
  But I'll tell you from personal experience... the payoff is worth it.
  
  
• A Resolution I Beg You To Make:
  "I resolve to make it my business."
  
  When I worked for a Boys & Girls Club a few years back, one of the employees often told the kids to "mind their own business" whenever they would inform him of something another kid was doing wrong. Keep in mind, it was in an urban neighborhood and so the discipline policies in the club needed to be quite clear. I thought it was often handled quite well, but on this particular philosophy I disagreed. The last thing that neighborhood needed were kids who would grow up and learn that it was wrong to speak up if they saw something wrong going down in their neighborhood.
  
  But that is what we tell people (or ourselves) when we see someone on a downward spiral. It could be their addiction to something that we presume we have no right to speak into, or maybe how they're treating a mutual friend and we're afraid of "getting caught in the middle." Plain and simple, if you are able to recognize that something isn't right, then it is up to you to become a part of the solution.
  
  As much as we try to live as individuals, the bottom line is we are one big community. If what happens on one side of the globe affects the other (hello - have you seen gas prices in recent years?), then why do we presume what happens in our own circle of relationships doesn't have any affect on us, our households, our cities, our regions, our states, and so forth?
  
  You know why we like those positive human interest stories in the paper so much? Because someone had the courage to do what we knew we should have done... someone made a problem "their business" and at least one other person's life changed forever.

That's it - three resolutions. Three that I am begging you to make because if you don't nothing will change.

• You'll keep hurting the people you don't realize you're hurting.
• You'll keep finger pointing instead of grabbing onto anything.
• You'll keep waiting for someone else to see the problem that you already do.

Um... is that how you'd like to go into the next year? The next decade?

I know you nodded your head at least one as you read this.

Please... please... now nod your life in this direction as well.

Me? I'm in...

and I intend to prove it.

what relationships are worth saving?

I read a random quote on the "Five For Fighting" video for "Superman" via YouTube. Check this out:

"if I had superman's power, I wouldnt save anyone. why save people when people most of us arent very genuine anyways?" - mpham1974

Wow. That deep cynicism got me thinking about a question most of us ask inside and often get tired of wondering about.

What relationships are worth saving?

Think about it - you and I each have relationships in life that are frustrating:

• The person who has labeled you because it's more convenient than them taking the time to get to know you.
• The petty "jabber" whose words about you feel like punches... as if they'd rather box with you than connect with you.
  
• The once-great-friend who now won't return phone calls.
• The "old gang" whom you hear about and read online of the latest thing they did together or movie they saw... but sort of overlooked inviting you.
• The individual whose life is going a different direction than yours, and they've decided they'd rather not be reminded of that by hanging out with you.
• The household who seems negative toward yours - perhaps with misunderstanding, envy, anger, or one of the other "seven deadly sins" (if that list is even accurate, let alone conclusive).
• The silent treatment you continue to receive from those who have pulled away and continue to act as if there is nothing wrong.
  

(It's exhausting, isn't it?)

What do you do when you don't know what to do (and question if you even have the energy to do it)?

If you've made it this far in reading all of this, I have good news... you have displayed an incredible sign of commitment by even being interested in this topic. You may not think so, but in a world that says, "Let's just agree to disagree" you have said, "Actually, let's agree to work it out." It says that you are interested in finding a way to reconcile a relationship that has somehow fizzled into something less than what it's been.

This is to be applauded, for it honors the heart of God in more ways than you realize... it's in the vein of what Jesus has done for us, and that makes all the difference.

This is why the Bible speaks of this:

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:14-15)

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:16-21)

What does all of that mean? Plain and simple, if you consider yourself a Christian you have no right to build a wall with another person. We know this because Jesus didn't build a wall to you and I but instead opted for building a bridge.

Go back and read that... seriously, don't overlook this. Because if you want to overlook those Scriptures as well as others on this theme, I humbly yet boldly ask that you would stop calling yourself a Christian. It's embarrassing and immature when we can't live out the most basic calling to share what we have been given... forgiveness, restoration, love, grace, and so on.

Now that said, again - you've made it this far in reading - which means you are considering that you want to reconcile. These verses illustrate that when you desire that you are attempting to do two things in this relationship...

• You are attempting to reconcile/connect with you.
• You are attempting to help this person reconcile/connect with God.
  

In both situations, there is only so much you can do. We know that, and unfortunately we often use that as an excuse that we've "tried" and "it just didn't work out." Perhaps you did try, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't continue.

It hurts... I know. Believe me... I know more than I can share here.

Again, though, remember Jesus and His example. For even when you are done "doing" those things, and they still won't pony up on their end, you can be confident in the bedrock foundation you have provided on your end. It says, "No matter what, my door is open to you when you want to have a real deal friendship." And likewise, "No matter what, God's door is open to you when you want to have a real deal relationship with Him, too."

Because while we can't control what the other person will do, we can control what we will do. So maybe we should?

You and I will hit walls in living this out. And they will hurt. The other side of the relationship will decide not to make the same kind of investment you want to make. They will act childish at times and be quite inconsiderate of your feelings. Perhaps not because they want to hurt you, but because they find it too scary to enter into an authentic friendship.

In most cases, people haven't learned these skills growing up and sort of become big people who can still act like little people. Again, that's not a slam - but it's a reality many find themselves in. So when you choose to not play games because you really care about them, it may not be received - not because they don't want to, but because they may be simply unaware of their behavior and how it affects others. Your relational authenticity comes across as if you wore comfortable clothing to a suit and tie event... the people in the room felt like they had to get dressed up in certain clothing, whereas you are confident in not playing that game.

Consider the alternative, though. Consider "giving up" - going your own way, abandoning the person, ending on an awful note. You may feel vindicated to do so, and yet you are only contributing to the death of the relationship.

On the other end, consider where bridge building could lead! You may see something restored and reconciled in a few years that right now is tearing up your heart. Is that worth fighting for? Even the hope of that?

I am foolish enough to say yes. Let me say that even more openly - I am absolutely stupid enough to say yes. I am a dumb, dumb believer that the way things are isn't the way they need to stay. I "ignorantly know" people are capable of more than they realize, and I unreservedly call them out on it - like when a kid busts an adult for breaking a rule, and the adult knows he/she has been caught. Yeah... that's me. I remind people that this game of mask wearing isn't necessary, and they often look at me as if it is.

Odd.

And I will continue to have this childlike faith in what it might look like one day if I hang on to and live out the promises my Daddy told me were true.

That's why nurturing my own relationship with God is so important. For if I do I can the fruit of that... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are things I absolutely need if I'm going to keep on keeping on.

And you may have to try alternative ways to talk with them, especially if they won't acknowledge the issue. You'll ask, "Is everything okay?" and get the "Sure, everything is fine," but you know it isn't. Talk about why you wonder - circumstances and actions that make you question it - and ask, "Help me understand, then, why this is/isn't happening." Express your commitment to them, even if it isn't reciprocated. Love doesn't demand a return... it proclaims the investment "no matter what."

What relationships are worth saving? All of them.

For even if they don't pan out and allow you to see the full work of God in them, there were be a work of God that happens in you in all of its fullness.

That alone is worth the uphill journey.

Hang in there... you just may see a miracle. It just may take some time, and a whole lot of God.

a comment I wanted to share

Recently I addressed the topic of having a friend who is gay in one of our church gatherings. I spent several months researching and preparing for it, especially since it is the controversial topic many established and emerging theologians are wrestling with.

Today on Andrew Marin's blog, I read a conversation taking place regarding how different denominations are making policies on this matter. Below is a comment I made and wanted to share here as well.

To be sure that fly by comments don't take place, I've turned off the comment portion of this post. And if you're reading this on Facebook or another feeder, I'd ask that you not reply to where it appears. Rather, if you wish to connect and have a real conversation about it, email me at tonymyles@hotmail.com

---

This is simply not an emotional issue... it is a spiritual issue.

Jesus said to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. In the next breath - or perhaps the same - He said to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

So much of this issue and the "gay" topic is often through the emotional lens only... as if we are trying to reason out a theology based on loving God with our heart, and our heart alone.

Yet Jesus said love the Lord your God with all of your heart... and your soul, mind and strength.

To be fair, others argue the issue with their "heart" and "mind" as well - trying to understand the context of this culture and that culture, research genetics, and so on.

Yet Jesus said love the Lord your God with all of your mind... and your heart, soul, and strength.

Then there are the "strength" theologians - if they are theologians. The louder they can make their argument, the better... they think.

Yet Jesus said love the Lord your God with all of your strength... and your heart, soul, and mind.

What about the soul, though? Why does that often get the short end of the stick in this conversation?

The soul.

Maybe because it's the part that is the most supernatural, and since we think we're talking about trying to understand if someone who identifies themselves as gay is making a "natural" or an "unnatural" distinction... we forget to factor in the supernatural.

The soul... that piece of us that occasionally has an Isaiah 6 moment where we stand before a Holy God and cry out, "WOE IS ME! I AM RUINED! FOR I AM A MAN OF UNCLEAN LIPS, AND I LIVE AMONG A PEOPLE OF UNCLEAN LIPS, AND MY EYES HAVE SEEN THE KING, THE LORD ALMIGHTY!"

You know those moments?

How often do we enter those moments *before* we have a conversation on this topic?

Perhaps the problem is we feel so deeply on one side or the other that we forget the heart isn't the only way we need to approach this topic.

Or we think so well and have so much study underneath our belt that we have become builders of our own Babel... I mean, babble.

Maybe we are so strong vocally and have enough James Brown-esque back-up singers behind us saying, "YEAH!" and "YEAH!" and "YEAH!" that we think we're right, whatever we're saying.

I am not saying approaching God through our soul is ever at the expense of those three, but I am saying the other three are never at the expense of standing before a holy God, feeling small, and attempting to understand something so awesome and amazing as who He is and who we are because of who He is.

Never... never... the other way around.

Yes, feelers... I know that you feel so strongly about it that "God must have put it in you." Don't miss the point.

Yes, thinkers... I know that some Greeks and the Jews viewed the "soul" through a certain lens that is different than we do today... don't miss the point.

Yes, strengtheners... I know that there are "righteous things" to fight for and fight about. Don't miss the point.

May we never, though, create theology of of only these three (or blindly accept what our denominations have decided without the willingness to have a "lover's quarrel" about it).

May we instead always seek to *discover* theology... on this matter and others... which is only possible when we allow the soul to engage as it is designed.

Because if we do... I get the sense "loving our neighbor as we love ourselves" will be the very next breath... or perhaps the same.

when it's hardest

I have learned, and continue to learn, that sometimes the hardest moments are not when you have done wrong, but when you have done right and believe you have been labeled by others as having done wrong.

You can be confident that all that you've done is correct and track with God. There can be a thousand voices around you affirming the same, telling you that you have acted and chosen what is right. And yet when one voice tells you otherwise, it can drive you crazy wondering what happened.

Again, you didn't do anything wrong. You know this.

And yet this means nothing to the chaos internally and externally.

One thing to look forward to about standing before God? All the masks and games disintegrate.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Cor 13:12)

i already know what you're going to say

Do you have people in your life who already know what you're going to say?

I don't mean people that you're close to, like your spouse or a best friend. I mean people who you feel like you're standing before, and they've already pre-judged you before the first word has been spoken. They "already know what you're going to say," even though they don't.

There's that family member who is trying to quit a habit, and you see them struggling with it. They go to reach for their addiction and see you staring at them... all you happened to do is glance over, but they assume you have an agenda. And the words blurt out from them like they were just waiting to say it.

"I already know what you're going to say."

Or that neighbor you're trying to build a friendship with... only they would rather pretend there is an imaginary fence that you're supposed to honor. Once in a while you find a genuine way to connect with them, so you roll the dice on giving it your all. Yet as "natural" as it is, you still feel like you're having to earn your spot in their lives. They see you coming across the yard, ready to have that first conversation, and their eyes roll as if they have the whole 2-dimensional conversation mapped out in their head.

"I already know what you're going to say."

Or that person you know who has blown it bad, and you see them ignoring the very real consequences of it because the version in their head is more palatable. You see their blind spots, and they see that you see their blind spots, so they don't want to see you. And if by chance they do, they let you know they're not interested in your commentary.

"I already know what you're going to say."

Then there is that pastor friend of yours. He seems like a regular guy and all, but when he's around you're "extra aware" of God. Not because the guy is perfect, but because the spiritual journey you're trying to be on seems hard at times... and there are moments when you don't live up to the things you say you want to live up to. So he enters the room, and you suddenly find yourself fixing the invisible tie around your neck... and you don't know why. He opens his mouth to speak, and you "just know" that he's going to lay some spiritual smackdown on you.

"I already know what you're going to say."

There are two sides to these situations:

• The reactive person: Admit it - it's scary when someone is about to speak into your life. We never know if they are coming at us with an agenda or in true compassion, and even those closest to us can seem confusing. Remember that even if you think you're about to get the same speech you did last time, there may still be some truth you need to pay attention to.
  
  A few years back I was at a convention and a guy named Tony Campolo came up to speak. At the time he was making waves as a Christian for his outspoken love for the homosexual community. In a room full of thousands, I happened to be in the fifth row and a guy next to me stood up and huffed off when Tony took the stage. It made a small scene, as he did again when he came back at the end of the 45 minutes message (as if to say, "See, look what I did! I didn't have to listen to that guy."). I leaned over and said, "You missed out, dude." He said, "Do you know what this guy believes?" I said, "I did, but having sat and listened to him, I now understand why he believes what he believes. I'm sure you wouldn't agree with everything he said, but like I said... you missed out." The guy just looked at me with little to say.
  
  Again - you may not like what someone will say, and you may not agree with it. But if you listen and let it soak in, you just might see your own life from a perspective you never would have without those words. Even ideas you disagree with have a context, and understanding that context instead of writing it off can bless your life.
  
  
• The active person: You can lose motivation to speak the truth in love when you feel like people you're trying to help are dismissive. Often people push back on us because there is something we see that they don't want to see. In such situations it's easier for them to pretend we don't "get them" or "know them" than it is for them to deal with what we do know.
  
  Just tonight I was counseling someone along these lines - they are trying to make headway with someone who is lying to themselves more than they are to the people around them. It's hard to hang in there, but while you can't control their denial you can control your authenticity. You'll be accused of condeming, but if you truly do love them you can see that reaction for what it is and keep pursuing them in love. One day it may create the breakthrough you're praying for, but even if it doesn't it can create a breakthrough in your own heart.

Relationships with hard people are hard, but they are worth it.

(At least I keep telling myself that. Jesus said it, and I believe Him... and I have seen the fruit of perseverance.)

But of course, I already knew I was going to say that.

I'm sure you did, too.

watered-down happiness

As much as I enjoy the friendships in my life, I am taking a stand that I want to invite you to take as well.

Stop wishing for your friends to be happy.

I know how that sounds, so hang with me.



There's a huge problem with having a friend whose greatest goal in life is to be happy, but it is an even bigger thing when you and I only propagate it.

Saying "Hey, who am I to judge? Just do whatever makes you happy!" - it's hypocritical... we don't mean it, even when we think we do.


This doesn't mean we don't want our friends to succeed or do well in life. This means that we often confuse what is larger than that. When our friends do something controversial, we often take the position that it's "none of our business" so we settle for clapping at half of the story instead of speaking into all of it.
This is a bit of a rehash of something I shared Sunday, but I think it bears repeating.

• Imagine that a parent walks in on a child playing with a knife, and they're giggling about it. Does a good parent let a child play with a knife if it makes them happy? Of course not.
  
  
• Or how about a husband/wife who finds out their wife/husband is having sex with someone else? The whole reason that cheating spouse did it is because it made them happy, right? Physically, at least... perhaps emotionally. There was probably a "very good reason why it happened," and it's probably all the other spouse's fault. According to the "whatever makes you happy" mentality, no one should care or say anything - including the non-cheating spouse - because it's all about happiness, and "they deserve it."
  
  
• What about that buddy who likes their favorite vice? And it's draining their time, or money, or body? But it makes them happy. So drink/smoke/eat/purchase/inject on.
  
  
• Or that neighbor who is all about their hobby or their toys at the expense of things that matter more. They keep shining it, and shining it, and shining it, and shining it... and yet the dirt keeps coming back because the dirt has never been permanently addressed.
  
  
• Or that friend who "needs" to be with someone, but they won't do it in a healthy way, so they keep bouncing around from person to person with a wake of brokenness.
  
  I read today that 40% of the babies being born into this world are from unwed homes. I'm not commenting on how or why that happened, because none of us know every situation out there. Sometimes it's because of rape, but more often it's because of moments of passion that made everyone feel happy. Certainly the solution isn't always for those two people to get married, but the solution is for that statistic to not even be happening.

Right about now is the point when your defenses may have gone up. We often believe such conversation is "judgmental" and reject any constructive words as such. It's the phrase we often hear in our culture because it's easier to dismiss and label such words than it is do a critical inventory. Why is it when someone around us makes a lifestyle choice that is controversial and potentially destructive - be it to them, others, or the concept of something pure - that instead we say, "Hey, whatever makes you happy!"

It's because we don't care about them.

Maybe we think we care, but we don't... we care more about not offending than we do helping our friends see something their blind to. Or we think, "They're already down, and I don't want to appear like I'm pushing them down either."

• If we did care, we'd tell them that their choice or their lifestyle is more destructive than they realize and will create ripples in their lives and others lives that are tremendously awkward.
  
  
• Or we'd say, "I know you feel like punching so-and-so in the face, and yeah... it will feel good and natural... but that doesn't mean what feels good and natural is right and productive."
  
  
• Or we'd challenge, "Quit being lazy. Your attitude is poisonous. You are tearing down the lives of people around you by simply slacking off."
  
  
• Or we'd draw a line and say, "I love you... we're friends. But I will not allow you to do this any longer because your desire for self-satisfaction keeps having negative fall-out."

Why shouldn't we tell people to do whatever makes them feel happy?

Because they may be wrong.

And you may need a stronger spine if you truly are their friend.

You don't have to be jerk about it, but if you are their friend, you do have to be "about it." I love how Jesus handled this with a woman who was caught in adultery and the accusers around her. He spoke hard words to the accusers, because they were people who knew better... and He spoke restorative words to the woman, because she had been kicked down... but He did add this very important tag - "Go and sin no more."

Why do we skip that part when we talk about grace?

Simply put, if you had a booger on your face, would you want someone to tell you? Think about it - do you want to surround yourself with "yes" people who only tell you what sounds good? Who will hear your sob stories and only pat you on the back? Or do you want people who will hear your sob stories and pat you on the back while at the same time telling you, "You know, this is a pattern. I want to help you see and do something about this."

So... how is your answer any different than the one your friends would give?

Don't wish for your friend's happiness... wish for your friends to experience goodness and wholeness and righteousness. You may have to step on some toes to help your friends do this, but isn't it better to step on their toes and anchor them down than letting them run off the cliff?

The pursuit of happiness is something Americans have built into their DNA. Look around at the economy, state of relationships, counselor/psychologist themes, divorce rate, and so on.

It's not a philosophy that is really working out for us.

Instead, let's try aim for joy and goodness - that comes from pursuing God over self; sacrifice versus selfishness; self-control versus "I just sort of can't help it"; responsibility versus explanation.

It may seem a bit old school, but sometimes that's just what we need to get back to what really matters. And when that happens, the enduring reality of joy outweighs the temporary stroke of happiness.

"What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met" (Jesus, from Matthew 6:31-33, MSG)

One last thought - imagine if Jesus Christ chose personal "happiness" over the joy that comes from following the Father's will... which includes a cross and a lot of beatings. That would have made a big difference for Him, not to mention withdrawing the gift of salvation for us.

Thankfully, even when his friend Peter tried to prevent it He resisted.  I think He might have even called Peter "Satan" for doing so, too.

Hmm....

being the Church

The past couple of weeks, our church (meaning, "people and God") got together to do what Jesus asked us to do - love God and love our neighbor.

I hope you can read this link when you get a chance, compiled by the local newspaper:

http://www.connectionchurch.org/graphics/church/medinagazette_121008.jpg

And the beauty is that you and I can bring an extreme home makeover to the lives of the people around us everyday... all by simply doing what Jesus asked.

So take a look around - at the cubicle next to you, the dinner table you'll be at, the next cell phone ring you'll talk with, or someone on your list of emails you need to reply to.

Who's getting the investment today?

rant: this really isn't another political post

Cute, eh? Of course, only because we're all so burnt out on political ads. It was reported that the highest amount of money ever was spent on ad campaigns for this election, and almost every one seemed like a jab against another in order. Apparently we believe you make youself look better by making another look worse... which gets back to the childhood kind of thinking.

I recently found this website that allows you to manipulate an ad to show how easy it is to make a candidate sound great or awful. Even MTV decided to let its airwaves finally allow political ads - something that they've never done up until this particular election. Hmm.

In light of all of that (and on the heels of my last post), I have a bit of a rant...

I have a hard time when Christians are quick to demolish others with their words, fists, and fingers (whether they're pointing, or, well, being used as a profane symbol). Not that anyone asked me to do that, but man... what if instead of just avoiding that we chose to run in the other direction more often that we do?

There comes a point when you have to stand for the essentials, but I don't believe that means the goal is to destroy or belittle others in the process. It's easy to promote yourself by being against things... it's harder (yet more authentic) to promote what you are for and let that be enough. I've seen this in way too many churches, including new ones that try to establish a draw by talking about all the things they aren't - "We're not like those guys over there," they'll begin, "because they are stuffy and we are hip."

Unfortunately, this isn't anything new under the sun. Some of the early church fathers missed the boat when Catholics and Protestants spent a lot of time making snarky pictures of each other to make their points. Ironically, it was often the same picture... like a "fraid not," "fraid so" mentality.

Although both sides claimed to be the true church of Christ, their little sketches seemed to be less about reconciliation and more about manipulation... in many cases it was less about God and more an almost political struggle of who was right. I'm sure the goal started out well, but quite a few historians have cited these pictures as being more about control than theology - they had all the appearance of morality, yet by hardening their hearts they were actually denying its power.

Obviously, I write that as a Christ-follower who lives a "perfect" life and never puts anyone down.

*cough, cough*

Um...

But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ; How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts. These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit. (Jude 1:17-19; KJV)

If that is you or I today, may we begin a new way of living starting now. It would seem God has provided a Way that embraces Truth and Grace and Love at the same time... not one at the expense of another. Yes, Jesus did say that He came to bring division... but that's His job, and it seems everwhere else I read in the Bible of someone causing division in the Church on purpose there are harsh words provided.

Conservatives? Liberals? Moderates? Writers? Rappers? Actors? Comedians? Pastors? Priests? Skinheads? Televangelists? All have something in common - they all believe that have a distinct version of the truth... but it takes the individual to really care and really readjust to what the truth is beyond what he/she thinks it is. Maybe it's easy to be a bully and a critic - to deconstruct instead of reconstruct... some may even gain a national radio audience off of it, but that doesn't make it right.

Again, I'm not perfect in this... but I won't use that as an excuse to try.

I am secure in that insecure journey, for I no longer feel the need to prove myself. I'm just tired of all the work that we can spend belittling others instead of joining God where He is working and celebrating that together.

Whether that's a "denomination," "village," "friendship," "network," "association," or a streak of "independence."

the problem with indifference, if you care to know

Chuck Yeager, the famed test pilot, was flying an F-86 Sabre over a lake in the Sierras when he decided to buzz a friend’s house near the edge of the lake. During a slow roll, he suddenly felt his aileron lock. Says Yeager, "It was a hairy moment, flying about 150 feet off the ground and upside down."

A lesser pilot might have panicked with fatal results, but Yeager let off on the G’s, pushed up the nose, and sure enough, the aileron unlocked. Climbing to 15,000 feet, where it was safer, Yeager tried the maneuver again. Every time he rolled, the problem recurred.

Yeager knew three or four pilots had died under similar circumstances, but to date, investigators were puzzled as to the source of the Sabre’s fatal flaw. Yeager went to his superior with a report, and the inspectors went to work. They found that a bolt on the aileron cylinder was installed upside down.

Eventually, the culprit was found in a North American plant. He was an older man on the assembly line who ignored instructions about how to insert that bolt, because, by golly, he knew that bolts were supposed to be placed head up, not head down. In a sad commentary, Yeager says that "nobody ever told the man how many pilots he had killed." (From "Yeager" by Chuck Yeager, Bantam, 1985)

because everyone knows

I can't believe how late it is and I can't sleep. I keep having these dreams... I've been having them all week, and they seem to be the product of some of my worst fears. Last night it was losing my youngest son in a large city and not being able to find him. Tonight it was something that seems incomparable to that, and yet is very important.

Remembering the whole dream is hard, but (tonight/this morning/what time is it?) I remember the last part. For some reason our church was meeting in our old movie theater, even though it was today's era (we now meet in a new building). As best as I can piece together, I'd given the order of service to a couple of our staff guys and left the room to collect my thoughts once service began. That's when things got chaotic... for even in my dreams (apparently) I care about what happens in our services because everyone knows they affect people who are thee to connect with God.

The band was supposed to play a song, and then play some instrumental music while the bandleader prayed. Instead, I heard (from outside the theater) that this wasn't happening - instead, people were spontaneously praying about different things - no microphone, but rather random praying around a room (which included the power talkers who could project and the quiet talkers who said important things, but no one could hear them). As I made my way in, someone was praying that the Republican Party would eventually come back into Presidential power. Even though it was a dream, I was about to lose it... fearing that we'd crossed some line of political ethics that the IRS would feed on and shut us down... because everyone knows you're not supposed to do that.

So I made a hand gesture to one of our staff guys that looked like a keyboard. This was my baseball-esque signal to go back on stage and play some music so I could grab a microphone and steer us back into a God-focused direction vs a GOP one... because everyone knows that a service isn't supposed to be patriotic or in favor of a political party... right?

The only problem was as I was about to do this another person behind the computer started rolling a video on the main screen. There were two... no, three problems with this.

One - it was an unrelated video to anything we were doing. Apparently, it was one of those videos people send in an email and want you to watch, only you're not sure it's a virus so you don't watch them and it sits in your email forever - like that bottle of mystery condiments most refrigerators have in them (you're afraid to use it, but don't want to throw it away because one day you might need it). The video was some odd, YouTube-esque cartoon that mused about nothing in particular, then it ended with some random credits, followed by pure silence while personal pictures of the person who sent the video began being displayed in an automatic slide show of some sort. I kept fearing that a pornographic picture would cap it all off, but thankfully/sadly it was just camera phone style pics of them doing daily life.

The second problem was that the video intended for that moment got washed away in the process of it all. That one brought us deeper into the Scripture we'd be studying that day... somehow I know it did, even though (because it was a dream) I can't tell you what it was. But whenever we use a video in our services it's with intentionality - to either provoke a thought, raise a question, help someone identify with the topic at hand (or vice-versa, help build a bridge into their lives), or make us laugh about something we need to laugh about (laughter is way overrated). We stay away from all the cutesy Christian videos that preach tradition and fear with cheesy solutions that don't practically play out in real life, because everyone knows they have no value... right?

Oh, and the third thing wrong with this moment? Well, I sort of misspoke - the video wasn't being projected onto the movie screen. Rather, it was being projected where the screen should have been. For some reason a large movie screen curtain was sort of covering the whole screen area, and so this lame video was being projected right onto textured, fluffy, foo-foo fabric.

I remember needing to sit down in the dream... to find an aisle somewhere... so I could scream. We were doing an awful thing (I thought and felt and feared), for someone who had come to service that day had to be thinking, "These people are so messed up that they can't even operate A/V equipment properly. Now I have my reason to give up on church and God and heaven and all of that." I'd broken an overly spoken, unspoken rule that my type-AAA church background had tried to drill into my type-B personality - you don't create a bad first impression, because everyone knows people won't come back if you do... right?

Keep in mind, I don't really believe that is always true but I do know that it is important to give your best swing at everything when lives and souls are on the line.

Here's where it gets real interesting, though.

Just at the point in my dream when I'm about to explode in exasperation, I start laughing. Hard... out loud... deliriously. Not because I've lost my mind, but rather the opposite. As I look down at the screen (stadium seating, and all) I see one of our staff guys - our worship leader - jumping up with all of his might to grab high for the string that pulls the curtain open. For some reason, though, the curtain doesn't open to the side or have an automatic mechanism to make it move - instead, it opens up like a window blind might. And so as he jumps up and down trying to pull the cord, this large movie screen curtain keeps going up and down with him... up and down... up and down... while the slide show cavalcade continues, again, in pure silence.

Except for the sound of the curtain going up and down. It even sounds like a cheap window blind, in fact.

The best part was the look on his face. He was actually smiling while he did it, as if somehow in the midst of all of this chaos he realized, "Yeah, we messed this up. But so what? Let's fix it and not worry about what we can't worry about." He got that from me, I think... because I often say that when things go wrong.

Because everyone knows things go wrong a lot when it comes to church life. Whether it's the things that do or don't happen in service that become mental splinters to anyone who cares the phone calls that don't get made when someone is in crisis (leaving them feeling alone), a human community handling Divine things will always fall short of perfection. Watching our worship leader enjoy swinging around one the curtain ropes to try to get them to cooperate was such an amazing symbol of that truth.

As I sank into my stadium seating, fluffy high back theater chair in my dream and watched it all, I felt as if I'd woken up.

And that's when I actually did.

------

This is simply me dumping out my dream over the course of 40 minutes, because I knew there was something in here I needed to pay attention to.

On one hand this can be a parable about what matters and doesn't matter in church world. As I hinted at earlier, I came to Jesus in an environment that valued goals, trackable data, above-the-waterline leadership, and excellence in effort. After all, we're talking about people's eternal destinies and that certainly demands our absolute best. Keep in mind my natural DNA that valued relationships, process, below-the-waterline integrity, and faithfulness in ministry... so I feel I walk around with a decent toolbox that is at God's disposal.

But really, it isn't about church world.

It's about that thought - "because everyone knows." If you've ever thought or said that, you've expected that the people in your life see, understand, and value the things you see, understand, and value just as you do.

Maybe it's how a house is supposed to be cleaned, "because everyone knows" you do a certain way. Or how a meal is to be prepared, "because everyone knows" you cook it at this temperature with these ingredients... and not at that temperature with those ingredients. It might even be how a husband and wife relate to one another intimately, "because everyone knows" what is considered acceptable versus profane in the bedroom.

What is ironic is that when we occasionally do recognize "because everyone knows" that no one knows the same thing, we use it as an excuse to not do the things that we really are supposed to know.

Think about that a moment.

In my dream and in my life, I hope that others see, understand, and value the things I do. I believe that "lost" and "found" people matter to God and that they are finicky people... so if by chance they are willing to let someone into their lives to share insights and challenges from the Lord that those opportunities shouldn't be treated lightly. Such "challengers" or "teachers" or "leaders" or "fellow believers" need to call them when they will receive phone calls from us, study together when they will study with us, empower them when they will be empowered by us, and rebuke them when they will receive rebuking from us (you know, we all need a little rebuking from time to time - even though we hate it when it happens - as long as it's done in pure love).

So when I feel like those things that seem so "obvious" to me aren't as valued in the people around me, I start to pace around in my head and feel my heart develop a chaotic rhythm. "Don't they get it?" I want to scream? Only I don't scream, because everyone knows that if you scream you run the risk of making people angry, and you don't want to get people angry because everyone knows angry people shut down lines of communication and you won't be able to talk with them about the stuff that matters most.

Hopefully by now the application and analogy is clear to you. And if for some reason it isn't, just pay attention to those moments when you also want to scream "Grow up!" and "Don't you people get it!" and "Come on already, stop living so selfishly and see the BIG PICTURE here!" Is it possible that you are holding people to your standards instead of their own?

And if it is a standard they should hold to (or say that they do, but they don't seem to live it out) is it possible for you to be the smiling fool on the curtain strings, helping them glimpse at how there is a better way than just sitting in front of the closed curtain that they've chosen to be silent spectators of?

"With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last. The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom." (Matthew 15:37-38)

"...whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away." (2 Corinthians 3:16)

Because everyone knows what that means, it's time for me to try to go back to bed.

breaking the sound barrier

On Monday I kept an appointment I'd made the week before. Maybe that shouldn't mean anything, but it did to the person I connected with. He told me I was the first person in 11 years who actually kept an appointment with him.

11 years.

His name is Mike, and we met at the local grocery store last month. I was buying something small in the speedy check-out lane and started my usual routine of stuffing the receipt into my George Costanza overstuffed wallet while simultaneously holding the plastic bag in between my teeth (so I could fumble for my car keys). A few steps into the dance, an older gentleman caught my attention and asked if I was going anywhere near the downtown Square of our town.

"Sure," I said. "Do you need a ride?"

"Yeah," he said. So I told him I'd bring my car around to the front, and after a quick load in he continued the conversation with an introduction. "I'm Mike," he said, reaching over to shake my hand.

"I'm Tony," I answered. "Good to meet you, Mike."

"So Tony," he asked, "what do you do?"

I smiled. "Actually, I'm a pastor."

(Why do I always begin answering that question with the phrase "Actually?")

He smiled. "How about that," he said. "I'm an atheist."

(Yeah - that's why I always begin answering that question with the phrase, "Actually.")

I laughed out loud. "Well how interesting is it that we got matched up, Mike?"

The drive to the Square was only about 5 minutes, but we talked for about 15. At the end of it I offered to buy him a beverage one day at the local cafe, and he said that would be great. I gave him my email address, and he used it later that day to thank me.

Then I went on vacation. And when I got back... chaos.

But I emailed him a few times, letting him know that when I came up for air I looked forward to connecting.

Monday is when it happened. We met outside and chatted about this and that over ice tea. Mike is highly intelligent and is developing some rather profound insights on communication. You'd think he'd be sought after for such skills, especially in a world where people seem to miscommunicate more than they'd like.

Maybe that's why what he said was so amazing.

"You know, Tony, I'm going to remember this conversation for the rest of my life. I can remember dreams I had a month ago in great detail, so memory isn't a problem. It's just that I've only had two or three other conversations like this in my life that I've been mildly interested in remembering. You know that in the eleven years I've lived in this town you're the first person who kept an appointment with me? Most people don't want to make time for me because I'm old, or because I'm single, or had a stroke, or walk with a cane, or don't believe what they believe. And I suppose that's fine because if that's how they feel then I don't have much time for them. But I've really enjoyed this time and want to do it again when I'm done with my writing project."

Keep in mind, this is after I listened to him share about the things he cared about for a long time. Then he asked me to share about the things I care about - in my case, Jesus Christ, my wife, my boys, our church. Funny - he was quite interested in that... for an "atheist."

I wonder why.

We have so much potential for good... so much potential to change the world and help restore things back to their original intent.

And perhaps that's why it's so disappointing to the world when Christians come across as uncaring, hypocritical, or full of a lot of big words with little love behind them.

What if a simple love for our neighbor is as revolutionary as Jesus says it is?

There are a lot of really profound and beautiful things happening in the lives all around us... but sometimes it seems like there is this impenetrable wall of miscommunication.

Sometimes the best way to break the sound barrier between you and another person is to listen. It doesn't mean you approve of everything they say or believe, but it means that you take the time to listen so that you can love that person - instead of merely your "2-dimensional concept of that person."

We need to connect with others in their world before we attempt to share with them our own, let alone how we're all a part of God's Story.

That is, after all, just basic Christianity, isn't it?

I have great hope that it's just that easy.


May we become people who build bridges into the world around us.

May we care about who they are and invite them to share about the things they that keep them awake at night.

May we ask good questions that help them get in touch with the condition of their lives and souls.

May we be the person who keeps the appointment.

May we break the sound barrier.

And may we at the right time proclaim who Jesus Christ is.

(Even though chances are they've already recognized Him in your behavior.)

The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Galatians 5:14)

the one sum

Last week after our Sunday service I spoke with a few people who were processing what we'd just let God speak to us about - murdering others with our words and actions. Don't worry... those conversations are confidential. What I can safely share is that some of us find it very hard to think of why people are at odds with us, while others find it amazingly easy.

I think it has something to do with how we may normally categorize ourselves and each other.

The average person tends to think of how their positive and negative attributes stack up against each other when determining their personal worth. Of course, there are extremists on both sides - some people consider themselves worth nothing while others take on an overinflated sense of self. Then there's a recent movie I saw with my wife, where one character said it's less about how you measure your life and more about how many others measure their lives to yours.

All of this often rubs against the grain of how others perceive us... sometimes appropriately, and sometimes inappropriately. We understand the depths of our positive motives, whereas they may only see the shallow surface of our actions. We wonder why they've written us off, and they believe they had no other choice "after what you did." We were "clearly in the right," while they know we were "clearly in the wrong."

Every wonder why we error on the positives? Maybe this is because somewhere within us we know we were made to be more than the sum of our mistakes. This is what Jesus sees in us, after all, even on the days we don't.

Did you know that? That Jesus loves you right we're you're at, and also loves you too much to let you stay that way?

Of course you did. But do you really, really know that today? And which side of that sentence are you most unfamiliar with? The grace or the growth?

This is why Jesus speaks the same principles thousands of years later that the Father spoke to the Israelites through Moses.

You shall not murder. (Exodus 20:13)

"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny." (Matthew 5:21-26)

So Jesus tells us two things. First, He essentially says “Do not buy into the broken system of the day. Do not murder – by your hands or tongue or heart. Do not let the poison of hate make you do things that spill blood or take life away from another. Because if you do, you will begin a journey of hate that will consume you and create a wedge between you and me, which will lead you to hell.”

The other thing Jesus says is that we are to go have a face to face with people we have tensions with.

A face to face.

No breaking up through text messages. No using email to create distance. No anonymous blog comments. No flaming poop left on someones doorstep... or flaming poop in conversations with other people as you talk about why you're not talking with them.

When you sit down for a face to face, it's amazing how much perspective is gained on both sides of the table.

Maybe that's why the other thing that passage says is where two or three are gathered in God's Name, there He is in their midst. I find it odd how clearly that passage is next to instructions on conflict resolution, and yet we demote its use to making us feel better when only a few people show up to a church event. God is honored when people gather together in His name for reconciliation - plain and simple.

Speaking of which, did you know that there's a passage in the Bible where Jesus prays for us. You know what it's about?

• That God would keep us safe?
  


• That we would all get to heaven?
  


• That we might all become healthy?
  


• That we could all become wealthy?
  


• That we'd memorize more verses?

Nah. Check this out - this is what Jesus believes is the sum of all prayers for us:

My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. (John 17:20-21)

So may you know what it means to see yourself beyond your intentions and beyond others criticisms.

May you realize that God Himself sees your dirtiest junk and is reaching out to you right now, whispering words of Truth about who you really are.

And may you come together with those whom you've found distance increasing.

Because when you do... God is revealed.

That is one sum worth adding up.

old school

Recently I was sorting through some clothes so that I might donate some to a yard sale fundraiser our church was doing. Now I'm a rational man, but I oddly find that I have to do this at least three times before any yard sale. Often I think I should hang on to an item, only to later rethink it... mainly because I ask my wife to help me the third time.

We all need people to help us rethink our conclusions about what matters.

It was interesting, actually... I would hold up a shirt and we'd both decide if it was worth hanging on to based on the "look" and "era" it mentally and emotionally brought us into. For instance, I haven't regularly worn suits since my early days in professional ministry - so there really wasn't any point hanging on to the JC Penny blue pinstripe or the Chess King puke green number.

"Pittsford and Pioneer Faith stuff," we'd say, referencing the churches I wore them in. They easily landed in the donation pile.

Then there are these polo shirts that I wore when I served in a larger church. This was in my latter days as a youth pastor when I needed to be "approachable" by teens and yet "professional" enough that the adults felt good paying me.

"This looks like a First Wes shirt," we'd summarize. "Old school."

And so on.

It's odd how a thing can connect you to a feeling.

As another example, I recently saw yet another old school chum on Facebook that I used to have a tight relationship with as a kid. Then junior high made us walk down separate hallways, and after that high school kept the snowball of separation going. By the time we'd reached senior year we finally had our first class together, only to find that the friendship had somehow fallen to the side - so we settled for chosen ignorance across the room.

That's so wild, especially when you consider all the sleepovers we did growing up.

So we connected, and he asked if I was "Tony Myles that also went to Dooley School and lived off of Braintree?"

I was, and I volleyed back, "Yes - that Tony Myles whose finger you bit in second grade when I asked you for your apple during lunch. But who's holding any grudges?"

He went on to say that he drives by my old house everyday, and oddly happened to buy our old lunch mother's house. "I don't recall biting your finger, sorry about," he said. "I do, however, remember your parents taking us to a Bulls game and also, I remember the class having a picnic by Boch and it started to rain. We all ran to your house. Remember that?"

After sensing those old school feelings and thoughts as I stared at his picture and considered our fading friendship, this is what I wrote:

You bought the old lunch mother's house, huh? Mrs Sowka? (That's the only one I remember - because she taught me what the middle finger meant one day during recess.)

Speaking of fingers... no worries.

I remember that day - Mr Acardi's class for me. We all ran into my house and suddenly there stood many kids in front of my dad's velvet paint of a topless hula girl. Actually, my mom remembers that part... I remember everyone playing with my GI Joe and Star Wars toys.

Weird timing for us to connect. I was recently looking through my senior year book and found something you wrote. It was after we were in a writing class I believe... you said something like, "Weird how we didn't talk much this year." And I remember that was weird, too, since we were pretty tight growing up.

So I'm sorry that happened.

My wife asked me just today if I go back to high school for a week if I would. I said, "Yeah, as long as nothing changes in my life today." (I've seen too much sci-fi) She asked what I would do differently if I could retain all that I know now. I said, "I think I'd try a few things I didn't try - like maybe a sport or a play - just for the experience. But I think the big thing would be that I would talk with people differently, because the things that seemed to be such a big deal then really weren't, and I'd know that. Yeah, I'd talk with people differently."

The more I consider stuff like this, the more I hope I'm talking with people today the way I should be talking with them today. That even if we geographically are separated, we lose nothing.

Lest our relationship get pitched aside like an old suit that somehow feels dated.

Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' "

Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town. (1 Samuel 20:42)