tonyology

It's been a while since I filled out one of these "get to know me" surveys, so I hope this in some way answers questions you never thought about asking me.

Feel free to respond back with your answers. Or... you can just laugh at mine.

***********FOODOLOGY***************
1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Ranch

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Too hard a question - a toss up between Gino's East and Mongolian BBQ.

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Chinese.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
If it's Gino's East, we're talking the high rise corn bread crust with the sausage patty style that layers the entire thing... I call it the "cholesterol lovers."

5.What do you like to put on your toast?
Whatever looks like butter in our house but is actually healthier.

***********TECHNOLOGY***************
1. How many televisions are in your house?
Four - two for home entertainment, one is for school for the boys, and one for work.

2. What color cell phone do you have? Black

3. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has? No, but I know a handful of guys who do... and that's what really matters.

***************BIOLOGY****************** 1. Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes... it's called a sliver.

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted? My Total Gym exercise equipment when I brought it to service last week as a sermon illustration.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No, but I have passed out (for non-alcoholic reasons).

************BULLOLOGY************** 1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Yes, assuming Jesus doesn't come back first.

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Tony Bon Jovi

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? If my health insurance covered the consequences.

************DUMBOLOGY****************** 1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own? One, but they are cool Nike style.

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
On the bad side, not counting a traffic ticket several years back, that would be in high school... I was caught forging medical slips for my friends to get out of gym class. On the good side, when I brought them cookies over the summer with my family.

3. Last person you talked to? Katie, my bride

4. Last person you hugged? Katie, my bride

**************FAVORITOLOGY**************** 1. Season? Summer

2. Holiday? Christmas

3. Day of the week? Tuesday

4. Month? July

***********CURRENTOLOGY***************** 1. Missing someone? Not by death, but by their choice to avoid me rather than resolve conflict.

2. Mood? "Almost in sync"

3. What are you listening to? Songs I have in my mp3 library that I've skipped over.

4. Watching? New shows I've recorded and have yet to catch up on, as well as TV shows I'm screening for my boys to be sure it's not full of junk humor.

***************RANDOMOLOGY***************** 1. First place you went this morning? To put the dog out, who won't stop whining.

2. What's the last movie you saw? Theater: Astro Boy
DVD: Ice Age 3

3. Do you smile often?
Yes, usually because my family cracks me up.

***************OTHER-OLOGY***************** 1. Do you always answer your phone? Usually... but not if I'm prioritizing family when it goes off. And as much as possible, I intentionally don't look at the caller ID.

2. It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Brandon Benfield.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be? Always thought it would be fun to have blue eyes, but I like my browns.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I liked the Mango Limeade a couple weeks ago, but believe the Watermelon/Strawberry Smoothie trumped it.

5. Do you own a digital camera? Yes - I used to use it more when I worked for a great metropolitan newspaper, though. Even took a "front pager" back in the day.

6. Have you ever had a pet fish? Not for very long - like a carnival fish that lasted for a day.

7. Favorite Christmas song(s): Hallelujah - instrumental rock version

8. What's on your wish list for your birthday? Time with my family... and a Gino's East pizza.

9. Can you do push ups? Yep, especially if it involves eating the orange sherbet kind.

10. Can you do a chin up? Yep... "a" chin up.

11. Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Both, because I know what's coming and because I know what's coming after that.

12. Do you have any saved texts? Yes... many because of sentimental reasons, several because of many things I'm multi-tasking, and a few because I unfortunately need to protect myself.

13. Ever been in a car wreck? A few - seatbelt saved me every time.

14. Do you have an accent? In one rural town I lived in, I was told I did. Then again, this was by people who pronounced "cement" as "see-ment." So you tell me.

15. What is the last song to make you cry? The instrumental music played under the last few scenes of "Marley and Me."

16. Plans tonight? Working for the church, investing into my family, and finishing several loose-end tasks (including finishing a book I'm writing and editing one I already finished). Speaking of which, why am I taking this quiz again?

17. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yep... and then I went even further.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Nothing. We didn't spend any money yesterday.

19. Have you ever been given roses? Once, to wear at a wedding.

20. Current worry? I worry for others who are worrying instead of finding faith... odd, eh?

21. Current hate right now? Limited resources.

22. Met someone who changed your life? Everyone whom I've ever met... yes.

23. How will you bring in the New Year? With the family.

24. What song represents you? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk

25. Name three people who might complete this questionnaire?
Um... no.

26. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes... but only for a visit, to make a few investments into certain companies that start with "Micro" and end with "soft," and so on.

27. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Since I still am dating my wife, yes.

28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? Since I still am dating my wife, yes.

29. Do you have any tattoos/piercings? No, but I once had an earring during the 90210 era that has left a hole. Darn that Jason Priestly!

30. Does anyone love you? Yes... without a doubt.

31. Ever had someone sing to you? All the time.

32. When did you last cry? After a friend shared about a possible divorce happening in their household.

33. Do you like to cuddle? With my wife and kids, yeah.

34. Have you held hands with anyone today? Yes.

35. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Whatever my parents had on... mostly 8-tracks of Kenny Rogers, the Blues Brothers, and Don Ho. Yeah... Don Ho.

36. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? All over the map.

37. Do you like pulpy orange juice? It is the best kind.

38. What is one thing people don't know about you but should?
If you don't do your part, I'll pick up the slack and burn out. So please do your part so that I can do my part. Besides, it's better that way.

a retro thought for the present about our future

I was looking through some of my older, pre-blog journal entries. By that I mean things that I may have blogged about had such a thing existed, but as such it was just me, my computer, and some friends I shared an e-mail group with.

This one comes from early March of 2000. It is on the heels of a major accident I was involved in when I was on a trip from Michigan to Chicago and got slammed into a cement guard rail on the highway after a truck cut me off. It was a life changing experience in many ways, and I found myself trembling for several days afterward.

Well I'm back home today after Chicago and my accident on the highway. I must say - it's been a good learning lesson for me. I started out on Monday morning, asking God to teach me something this weekend... and He did. (You know - God has a funny way of packaging answers to those kinds of prayers.)

Anyway...

When I arrived to my street, I pulled up to about 50 feet away from my house. Just enough for me to drink it in, while at the same time enough distance so that Katie wouldn't know I had gotten back just yet. I felt like God wanted to teach me something there.

So as I sat in my decapitated Jeep, hands on the steering wheel, I was reminded again of the incredible blessing it is to come home.

Home.

What an incredible word. When you think of the word, what images come to your mind?

Home.

After wiping away my tearful eyes, I pulled into the driveway and gave three honks - a sort of "car language" my wife and I share, 3 honks signifying "I---Love---You." She ran out and wrapped her arms around me and we embraced for moments of eternity.

That is, until she said with a smile (over my shoulder), "i...can't...breathe..."

You know, it's an awesome thing to come "home." And God has shown me but a glimpse of the incredible Home we will someday go to. He reminds us through His servant Paul in Philippians 3:20-21 that our citizenship is in heaven. Or in other words, that is our home.

Heaven... our (intended) Home.

In another verse (1 Peter 2:11), Christians are described as "aliens" - or in other words, “we're just visiting.” This world is not our home.

I say it again, this world is not our home.

The things... the people... everything around it and in it will all pass away.

But...

my Home in Heaven will not. And someday my joy will be being welcomed into a new Home with the eternal embrace of Christ, wrapping Himself around me, and that feeling of relentless warmth will consume our every square inch.

Until I finally tell Jesus, with tears in my eyes... and a smile...

"i...can't...breathe..."

I wonder... does it really take a near-death experience for us to have a healthy perspective like that?

Or might you and I be able to engage in that today... minus the crash?

Why does it always take a funeral or a dangerous moment with our own mortality to get us to think about the stuff that really matters in the first place?

Hmm.

an interview

I had the chance to participate in an interview with Len Evans. If you get the chance to surf over, here it is: http://yminterviews.blogspot.com/2009/02/tony-myles.html

backstory - part 3

Resumes are dangerous things.

When you put one together, you edit your life down to key events that "prove" you are worth something to somebody in order to do some job so that you can take home some check to buy some things that you will eventually sell at some sale to someone else.

You craft together language that makes it sound as if you are the one who put Wal-Mart on the map or caused sales of Time Magazine to double. Every reference you offer is someone who will say good things about you, especially since you screened them ahead of time by saying, “Dude, if they call you don’t say you work for McDonald’s as someone who checks to see if the fries are done. Instead, say that you are ‘a key inspector of FDA approved food products that affect the public at large in mass quantities.’”

Resumes are dangerous things.

As you look on the internet at Monster.com or cruise through your local classifieds, you do so in full knowledge that other people are in pursuit of the same job. “How dare they?” you think. “I am the one who deserves this job and not someone whose doing this in order to buy an X-Box with their finances. Good grief! I have a family, not to mention a dog with a limp and they want to take away my ability to provide?!?!” So we begin to believe our own press that we are in some way more qualified or in need for employment than someone else. In a sense, it becomes us versus them… and so it’s all about who can schmooze the best way in the quickest timing.

Resumes are dangerous things.

Interestingly, we don't just make our own resumes. When you have a job or serve with someone, you begin to build a little mental resume on them comprised in your own penmanship based on conversations you have here and there with them. Around the water cooler you hear that “Bob” graduated from a noted university while “Sally” never finished college (yet somehow is making more than you). You scribble down in your brain these facts, adding that during the last staff meeting that you have more clever things to say than “Mike” did. These little resumes don’t always show up in your conscious thinking, yet when a critical decision needs to be made and “Bob” or “Sally” or “Mike” gets their way (and you don’t) you begin to articulate all kinds of reasons in your head why their idea is flawed and yours is better. Maybe it’s the way they hope to reach out to more people and you think there’s a superior way to do it… but really, it’s all about resumes.

Resumes are dangerous things.

I’m finding more and more that there are two ways for me to live my life… according to my resume and what I feel I’ve earned or according to my Lord and what he’s asking me to do.

A sense of entitlement... or a sense of grace.

A couple months ago my family and I relocated to Portage, Michigan in order to plant a church with some friends. We went through an evaluation for this through our denomination that left us spinning, for in the last hours of that assessment we had someone share with us why my weaknesses make such an endeavor a “bad move.” Shortly after, though, we were encouraged by our local denominational leaders to go for it if God had put it in our hearts.

Weird journey, eh?

Gets even weirder, for the whole thing made us stop as a family and realize that it may not be the best move for us based on where we are at. Not only that, but there is already a church in our area doing ministry in the spirit we would do it in. We’ve looked into the possibility of joining them to fold our energy and gifts (as well as our junk and weaknesses, because those come, too) into the mix.

So here’s where I’m at on the journey…

- Last week I was struggling to let go of the idea of being a lead pastor. According to my resume, I should be doing that right now. At least, that's what everyone tells me.

Then again… do I live life according to what makes sense to my brain or do I just let God speak and focus on his voice instead of the loudest human one (including my own)? Of course, this also means that I need to die to the way I would do things and simply come alongside to assist the church in becoming the Church. If the foundation is good and its decided that the branch will go in a direction I wouldn’t have thought to be the best way to go, will I let it or will I stand on my "credentials" to argue my way as superior?

- This week I have resolved to follow what I've always believed deep down... that ministry is not about positional authority but relational influence. I really like these people and what they’re doing. Maybe I can even become one of “these people” and that would be sweet... so that our two stories will eventually be a part of one story - His story.

Then again, what does it take to become a part of something versus just being on the outside and supporting it? What is the magical key that unlocks the transformation of “us” versus “them?”

Often when others around you tell you something it can be easy to let their claims be the most prominent – especially when they are people who are closest to us.

We must always let the Lord have the last word.

Resumes are dangerous things.

I love that Jesus had the ultimate resume and yet chose to think of himself as a servant. My favorite example of this beyond the cross is how Satan comes around to tempt him using the title “Son of God” - as if to cater to Jesus' sense of entitlement. Interestingly, Christ responds back by referring to himself as the “Son of Man.” There isn’t a whole lot of direct commentary on this between the the two of them in this passage, for each recognized Jesus was both completely God and completely man. Ironically, he chose to fight Satan through humility instead of through power… or in other words, he chucked his resume out the door and rolled up his sleeves to serve.

Resumes are dangerous things.

Perhaps that's the best way to describe where I am at right now. I'm most interested in serving however the Lord would have me serve, be that in a church or a good old-fashioned regular job. Ironically, I need to use my resume to get in the door of both... but I certainly don't have to rely on it.

When life strips you down you begin to ask questions about who you are. Beware of trying to fill in the holes with your educations, accomplishments, trophies, and references. Instead, follow in the footsteps of the One who became nothing so that we could receive everything.

Not until halfway through the Feast did Jesus go up to the temple courts and begin to teach. The Jews were amazed and asked, "How did this man get such learning without having studied?"

Jesus answered, "My teaching is not my own. It comes from him who sent me. If anyone chooses to do God's will, he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own. He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him. (John 7:14-18)

backstory - part 2

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“Quack.”

How does that go again? If one person says you’re a duck, ignore them. If another person says you’re a duck, look in the mirror. If a third person says you’re a duck, check for feathers because you’re more than likely a duck.
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“Don’t worry… I’ll get the lights.”

I shared those words with Scott, my friend and fellow servant in Warehouse Student Ministries. (Actually, it’s called something else now… youth pastors often like to change names of things that don’t need to be changed. I say this not to slam anyone other myself because I’ve done it many times in my life in order to make the thing feel like it belonged more to me and the group I was leading instead of the last guy we inherited it from… we say things like, “He didn’t know what he was thinking when he named it ________ because in order to follow the real mandate of Matthew 28 we need to be called ‘Flippin’ Frogs Fellowship’ instead." And for the record, I honestly have no issue with the fact that it’s no longer called Warehouse Student Ministries because whatever it’s called today makes sense to the kids and leaders that are in it... until someone else comes in and changes it to reflect a new era of direction.)

Anyway, like I was saying, I told Scott to not worry about the lights. Our senior high night was over and all the kids had left the new building that I had successfully led the charge in moving us into. I say this not to toot my own horn, because in the big picture of things I ended up being the Moses figure in the story of this youth ministry... called to get them out of a rented facility down the street and through an exodus era until we got into a new building we had built for them on site. Even though we were forced to take occupancy when the school year started (and while there was an abundance of dust and construction devices around), it was a youth building and being in it meant something.

At the time I became responsible for conceptually designing the building I didn’t know this was how the story would end... for I truly hoped to enter the “Promised Land,” too. After leading several brainstorming sessions with key leaders, parents, and church people, I was geeked to hand off to our executive pastor a solid building plan to run with. Eventually a foundation was laid, not to mention beam after beam. I felt a sense of “WOW!" in having had a direct hand in how it looked and was blessed to host a day of prayer and dedication for it in the middle of the summer. Crazy to have so much "power" and "authority," eh?

But really… I didn’t. Again, it’s like naming a ministry – someone else will come along and paint over the colors you put down, decide that the wall you wanted to put up doesn’t make sense in the place you thought, and lay down carpet in places you believed a ball should bounce on hardwood floors. You don’t think about any of this at the time, though, because as far as you’re concerned your ego is calling the shots in the short-term with a naïve belief that any of this will matter in the long-term.

And so it was during this Sunday night in the fall of 2004 that I stood in the shadows of “The Warehouse” for my last night as its leader.

As a bit of backstory, a few weeks before this moment I was asked to step out of the student ministry and into a temporary role of a creative arts director. It was a curveball I didn’t expect, and basically it boiled down to the senior staff of my church believing I wasn’t capable of leading the ministry in the way that they wanted me to.

Now... this is obviously the part where I could go into a whole bunch of solid reasons about how I disagreed with them and why they were wrong, but really… what’s the point? If they failed to see the godly fruit I believed was happening through me, perhaps it’s possible that I failed to see the faults they believed me to have.

Hmm… maybe I need to read that last sentence again.

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“Quack.”

How does that go again? If one person says you’re a duck, ignore them. If another person says you’re a duck, look in the mirror. If a third person says you’re a duck, check for feathers because you’re a duck.
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Scott left, leaving me alone in the building. I reflected on my journey with the church to this point, having come in two years earlier to a crazy situation of hurt and then rebuilding trust among the leaders and students. We gathered that small core group together and prayed and pursued our way to reach more and more students, adding new leaders and teenagers along the way. I had numerical goals I was supposed to obtain in order to have “job security,” and doggone it if we didn’t come awfully close to those numbers. Apparently, though, it wasn’t enough.

Sorry… I’m leaking out a bit.

In the month of May I became the project manager to pack up our old building that we were leasing and find a way to keep things happening all throughout the summer without any gathering place. At the size we were at, this was a challenge... not to mention having to pack a large facility down into two storage units. This also meant revamping the empty building to its original state (which included painting, knocking down walls, etc) and getting it ready for the landlord to approve. Add to this a student service on a Sunday morning (complete with full music, drama, teaching, etc) and a job search for a part-time middle school pastor (because I begged and pleaded for help and finally got some) and it was a crazy time.

Imagine what it would be like to have to find a way to keep a student ministry going all summer long under those circumstances.

We did it, though, having the middle school kids (because we added two grades that year, creating a 5-8 grade ministry) meet under a huge party tent on Sunday mornings and then having a massive group of senior high students crowd into my own backyard later that night. In fact, we even pulled off three major “rite of passage” weekends for guys, a week long “Narrow Road Rules” mission trip, launched a new girls ministry, initiated a student internship program, started up a house group format, met at Burger King for breakfast club Bible studies, and started a class for senior high students looking to grow to the next level with Jesus Christ... all in that summer. I even added some extra events to the calendar because one of the kids of a key leader in the church said, “There really isn’t much happening this summer in the youth ministry.” ARGH!

Did I mention that I was very tired throughout this whole season?

Perhaps that’s why during practice for our student service I didn’t manage the kids in a way that they needed to be managed during their last week of school... causing serious doubts about my leadership. In fact, it may have been this weariness that caused me on our mission trip to allow some guys to take part in “super power dumping” by hovering over toilets to drop a plop instead of sitting on the ring like a nice boy (I apologize for this crass description, but that’s all I have)... causing serious doubts about my leadership. In fact, it may have even caused me on the fall road trip to neglect to be sure that every guy called home to tell his parents we’d be late (thereby causing one of the parents to understandably get upset about it)... causing serious doubts about my leadership. Then there was the whole issue of not tending to my leaders like I should have and keeping a tighter reign on things that I should have because I had to keep things looking good... causing serious doubts about my leadership.

Sorry... I'm leaking out again.

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“Quack.”

How does that go again? If one person says you’re a duck, ignore them. If another person says you’re a duck, look in the mirror. If a third person says you’re a duck, check for feathers because you’re a duck.
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Maybe my advocates were right and that none of this was my fault... maybe it was all about a system that was broken and forced me to focus on proving myself instead of serving wholeheartedly. Maybe it became all about the appearance of "non-failure" at the expense of true life change... a typical youth worker's complaint about "the system" and "the man."

Then again… maybe I really wasn’t a good leader after all. Maybe none of this was circumstantial, and maybe I truly had no business being in student ministry. Perhaps the opinions of others were right and mine were wrong. It could very well be that I wasn't the right person for the job and I was causing things to bleed in places they shouldn't.

After all, if the loudest voice in the room says it....

then is must be true.

Right?

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“Quack.”

How does that go again? If one person says you’re a duck, ignore them. If another person says you’re a duck, look in the mirror. If a third person says you’re a duck, check for feathers because you’re a duck.
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So like I said... I got the lights.

And a funny thing happened...

I started to sing. Sure, it was through a cracked throat, but a very honest moment of worship.

"You give and take away... you give and take away... my heart will choose to say... bless-ed be your name...

Blessed be the name of the Lord... blessed be your name..."

Stick around ministry long enough and you'll find things that are hiliarious that at the time absolutely weren't. Or maybe they were... but then you had to feel bad about it... but then you started laughing about it again. I think back to the aformentioned "power dumping" and feel a smile while also wondering how I could have made such a rookie error. I also wonder about the things I did to get more kids in the door instead of helping more kids get into the kingdom.

There are a lot of things that are not "youth ministry."

Then occasionally... you get a glimpse of what is.

After I got the lights I went to my office... and turned on the switch.

There again was the display I'd encountered a few hours before. A paper with the signatures and encouragements of kids hung in the midst of paper towels and streamers that had been put up by those teens. It was their way of saying that they were going to miss me and that I'd made a difference in their lives.

"Really?"

I looked around, calculating how long I'd leave it up before taking it down. After all, starting the next day I'd be in a new temporary role that served adults and not teens. I couldn't very well have this hanging up, could I?

But I did anyway... because for at least one more night...

I was a youth pastor who had made a difference.

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“Quack.”

How does that go again? If one person says you’re a duck, ignore them. If another person says you’re a duck, look in the mirror. If a third person says you’re a duck, check for feathers because you’re more than likely a duck.
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"Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel." (Deuteronomy 32:52)

"To not forgive is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." - Anne Lamott

backstory - part 1

I'd contend that everyone serving God in an articulated form of ministry (be it professionally or as an amazing volunteer) has a unique journey and reason for doing what they do. For me it was a mountaintop experience, and I mean that quite literally.

I came to Christ during my junior year of high school through the invitation of a friend to his youth ministry. Prior to that I’d grown up loosely Catholic, dabbled a bit in atheism, and was thinking about a career as an English teacher because I took a test on a computer that told me this is what I was best wired up to do. After all, who was I to think I could/should do anything different?

And yet... I felt a stirring I couldn't quite put my finger on. A year after high school I flew from Chicago to California in order to do a personal pilgrimage of sorts. It had been a crazy season of trying to figure out life and I thought some time away in a fresh environment might do me good. You know how that goes, right? It’s like that one famous painting of a park that’s made up of little tiny dots. All we often do is focus on the few dots in front of our face but intentional fasting or Sabbath helps you step back from your life in order to see more of the bigger picture that God is painting in your life.

Ironically enough, I found myself in my own beautiful park about a week into my trip. It was not only breathtaking in its landscaping, but was surrounded by some pretty amazing mountains. I didn’t know this at the time, but their size actually exceeded that of the Sears Tower (even though at their base they initially appeared to be nothing more than local scenery). Spontaneously, I felt an urging to hike up one of these monstrous dirt clods and tame the beast that it was. Most sane people don’t do such things on a hot day in July, but as it was I was full of a cocky energy and youthful boldness that compelled me upwards.

About halfway into the climb, though, the reality of what was really going on hit me. On a day when the temperatures were off the charts, I realized that in my pride I had neglected to consider bringing any water with me. All the dark possibilities of what could happen if I fell or passed out began to consume me, from the injuries that would incur when I passed out to the body bag that would be shipped back home.

Perhaps this was the point when a sensible person would have turned around, but I had this notion – a “calling” if you will - from somewhere deep within me that God was urging me to keep climbing. I can’t adequately describe this feeling in mere words, but in the depths of my heart I knew that if I didn’t keep going I would have been untrue to something… perhaps him… perhaps myself.

And so the insane journey continued as beads of sweat dripped down my forehead and into the cracks of my mouth. I spied a very faint and small glimpse of a tree up at the top that became my motivation to pull forward. The ascent took a wholehearted effort over the course of the whole afternoon, but I eventually reached my goal and kicked the tree in a confident and brash spirit. Chuckling at my accomplishment, I turned around to gloat over the city that I had just “conquered.”

Then… it happened.

A humble breaking occurred deep within me, stripping away every pretense I had about God, others, and myself. It was as if I’d entered a room and someone immediately mugged me at the door, ripping away anything I was wearing so that I faced whatever was next completely naked. Strangely enough, I think without knowing it this moment was the reason I’d bought my plane ticket in the first place.

As all of this unfolded, I began weeping over the city in a way that reminded me of Jesus’ broken heart for Jerusalem. Honestly I knew nothing of this area of California other than the time I’d spent in it over the course of a week. Yet my heart began to sob for all the strangers I’d passed without thinking of their pain or need for a Savior. How odd that on such a “spiritual quest” I’d been so “unspiritual” the whole week.

Suddenly even the past year began to take on new meaning. I realized that since graduating high school I had been fighting God regarding a call to full-time ministry. I couldn’t imagine why he would call someone like me to do something so massive, for I not only knew nothing of the Bible but had a hypocritical lifestyle to boot. Somehow I began to realize none of that mattered, though, for I would always have to depend on his grace to be enough no matter what he asked me to do. It was in this moment that I began to take seriously the call the Lord placed upon me since coming to him in faith – and I haven’t regretted the climb since.

And yet…

even though I don’t regret the climb I have experienced raw hurt.

Those who preach that following Jesus is all about prosperity must have overlooked the whole crucifixion part of the Gospel story, not to mention the book of Acts that follows. In many ways I’ve found myself sometimes skeptical of other Christian leaders who teach this and what their “real” motives are. In fact, I’ve often wondered that of myself, too. Honestly, is it possible for a human being with flaws to navigate through a new identity in Christ and calling to serve him in ministry without showing some scars for it (not to mention creating some along the way)?

After all… Jesus was pretty perfect, and if memory serves he got a few scars of his own on his way up a mountain as he kept an eye on a "tree."

So there's a little backstory... "part one." It seems as though the benefits of knowing your calling and how you got there include an assurance of purpose and accountability from others. The liabilities, though, include auto-piloting and arrogance because you believe the Creator of the Universe has asked you to do something special. Ironically, it’s been my experience that sometimes those wires cross a bit.

Especially when your calling comes into question.

"QUACK."

Sorry... more on that outburst in the next post... as well as the aforementioned "light switch" story.