sabbatical?

So here's the deal... some of this you may already now.

Last month, just a day before our vacation, my stepdad died.

As a little context, my family hasn't had a vacation in several years due to a lot of junk we've gone through... most of which cannot be adequately summed up in a few words. In any event, we were looking forward to this time when that tragic news hit. We ended up going through the motions of vacation the first few days, but felt this tremendous backdrop of tension... which led to a visit to Chicago that kind of sapped our last bit of strength that week.

Flash forward to today...

Tomorrow (Sunday) I am set to engage in a "Sabbatical," a gracious gift of time I am allowed by my church each year to recenter with God personally and professionally. According to a disturbing survey about pastors who burn out, this kind of preventative maintenance is absolutely needed. Having been on board for almost 9 months now, I feel like the Lord and I can really have some clear conversations about what the "next hill" is for us as a church and me as its pastor... not to mention some good heart to heart I've been hoping He and I could engage in personally.

Honestly, my hope is that the time I'm about to give Him would be so that He could mess with my world in any way He sees fit... ultimately giving me a healthier mindset/soulset/heartset to take with me on the "next hill."

Then tonight... again, a day before this "set aside time," I received a phone call telling me that my mom was taken suddenly ill in a public place and had to be rushed to the emergency room of the local hospital.




Can I just confess something here?


I'm angry. I don't mean to say that I'm not worried for my mom because I am and am obviously concerned for her health and future.

But I'm angry... angry that I can't seem to quite get to that sweet spot of Sabbath that I've been yearning for (and honestly believe I need). Angry that any attempt I've been trying to make in this direction as of late has seemed almost attacked... roadblocked... halted.

It's always awkward to say this kind of stuff out loud, because it sounds selfish. And I wonder if sometimes we're afraid to confess our need to "breathe" because it seems like we don't care for the needs of those around us. Of course, that's not the case... but it can seem like that, so we often "keep it in."

Yet... Jesus spoke about a rather interesting principle...

"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Luke 10:27b)

So in other words, if we are to be able to practice love for another we need to actually practice self-care first. Granted, this all flows out of the statement Jesus made before this verse - to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.

So...

• If we don't practice good worship we can't practice good self-care...
  
  
• And if we don't practice good self-care, we can't practice love for our neighbors...
  
  
• And if we can't practice love for our neighbors, we can't practice love for our enemies/opposers...
  
  
• And if we can't practice love for our enemies, we can't practice the very nature of the Gospel.

So I don't know how this week will turn out. I set some organic goals, meaning I will start to walk a certain way with God to try and listen to His voice but allow Him the right to redirect me and my plans.

Which instigates a rather interesting tension...

Perhaps all of this stuff with my mom is so that I won't grow dependent on "special blocks of time" to nurture my relationship with Him but rather find ways to do so on the daily battle field of the spiritual war we're all in.

Or maybe it is God's intent that I do make the most of this Sabbatical, but a certain "enemy" is trying to devour me.

I know this is a lot of personal info, but I share it with you for two reasons...

• I won't be blogging this week... if blogging is a verb, that is, but you get the point.
  
  
• If you pray, please pray for all that I've shared - from my mom to me and everything in between - marriage, kids, church, etc.

Thanks for your friendship and support in this, whether or not we've ever met face to face.