Dec 17, 2012

SPOILERS from the Hobbit (no, not really)

I didn't see the Hobbit this past weekend.

It's the type of thing I'd normally do with friends who enjoy going to see epic movies at midnight. Given the past week of life and more, I just couldn't swing it.

What I was able to do was to post some tongue-in-cheek "spoilers" from the Hobbit on my Twitter account throughout the three hours the movie premiered. I'm not sure if I was able to influence anyone to actually believe these were true, but since I lost three Twitter followers that night I do believe my purpose was achieved.

(For the record, I gained 10 others).

Here is a chance for you to enjoy the updates in the order I posted them.


SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Gandalf doesn't end up with Hermione.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Orlando Bloom returns as a slightly more mannish Keira Knightley.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Orlando Bloom returns as a slightly more mannish Keira Knightley.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Elrond wears Agent Smith style Matrix glasses.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : It already won a bunch of obscure Academy Awards for costumes... blah blah blah, something artistic, I think.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The movie happens in real time. Keifer Sutherland's character Jack Bauer somehow stays awake for 24 hours.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : John Rhys-Davies brought back for one scene for #Sliders fans where he looks at camera and says, "Mr Mallory!"

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Musical scene with Beyonce' where she plays a temptress singing about how you shoulda putta ring on it.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The "orc" costumes resemble what Robin Williams wore when he landed in Colorado in the 70's.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Will Ferrell plays a character simply known as "Elf" who is passionate about Christmas.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The phrase "there and back again" refers to a craving errand Bilbo's pregnant Hobbit wife sends him on.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The traditional hat worn by Gandalf has been replaced by a red metal helmet resistant to telepathic attacks.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : There are, in fact, 16 fade-to-black endings.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The ring is a Krispy Kream donut... the hot kind, not the cold kind.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The Elves have a foreign language they sometimes speak. This is actually just their attempt at German.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The different nations have political tension with each other, which is an ancient metaphor for #GoogleMaps

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The last name "Baggins" is revealed to be an acronym for "Boy Another Great Gain In Nerd Sales" (guilty!)

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : CeeLo Green plays a Hobbit who plays an Elf who plays a Troll who plays an Orc... with a cat.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Andy Serkis does the voice of Morgan Freeman, and Morgan Freeman does the voice of Andy Serkis.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Ian McKellen and Ian Holm wear matching "Ian" tennis bracelets. Gollum, naturally, wants one.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : One person in every theater nationwide memorized a map of all the lands and actually understands the route.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Hobbits all bummed Sean Astin didn't make it into movie. Each lays down his ears; chants "Rudy" repeatedly.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : "Middle Earth" got its name by being in a love triangle with good guy "Upper Earth" and bad boy "Lower Earth"

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The "Shire" scenes are bootleg videos stolen from the movie Avatar.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The Winklevoss Elves are all played by the same guy.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The Dwarves don't talk about it much, but each one with a beard has killed an Ewok.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The treasure everyone's trying to reclaim are stock shares from "The Facebook" Timberlake's character swiped.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : Smaug, the dragon, isn't actually that smug. Most people overlook the "a" and he's "sick of all the haters."

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The Lonely Mountain symbolizes Mount Rushmore... only with actor Mickey Rourke's face in all four spots.

SPOILER ALERT for #TheHobbit : The characters Fili and Kili have a brother played by Ben Affleck you only see in the deleted scenes - Gigli.

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