a friend's post: the first 8 rules of dating my sons

This post was written by a friend of mine named Dawn Elliott. Enjoy!

As my sons have only a few short years before the dating begins here are a couple rules I have found and edited... these are not final and will probably be added to as they get older.

Since my sons are both receiving calls from lovely girls who I am sure will make fine wives for someone in 20 or 30 years, I have decided to issue this short edict to help them increase their chances of that someone being one of my children. Though shorter than Martin Luther's 95 Theses, I believe this is worth nailing to the front door. I will be doing this myself later today. With an electric staple gun.

• Rule One: If you would like to talk with my son, please do this in the church foyer during the fellowship hour when the lights are on high. Remember to bring your Bible. If you call my house to talk with my son, your call could be monitored by our Customer Service Department.
  
  
• Rule Two: The following locations and activities are acceptable for your date: Um … I can't think of any right now.
  
  
• Rule Three: Please remember that earrings are intended for your ears only.
  
  
• Rule Four: If you would like to hang out with my son, you will have to put up with me. I am out on a weekend pass and I am unsure of what I will do or say next. Though we are a loving and kind family, we also have a history of Paranoia. Schizophrenia also runs deeply through our genes, though my grandfather adamantly denied this before they locked him up.
  
  
• Rule Five: My son cannot use my vehicle to drive you to a mall. The van is already booked that year.
  
  
• Rule Six: Please do not touch my son. Do not lean against him unless you are falling over and are in danger of injuring yourself or plunging off a cliff. Do not even pull lint from his ear. I have been trying to do this for years and he will not let me. He can do this himself.
  
  
• Rule Seven: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls your age to wear t-shirts that do not reach their low-slung pants or necklines that sink lower than the Dow Jones Industrial Average. My husband and I have discussed this and since we want to be fair and open-minded about it, you are free to show up in such attire. I will affix it properly to your body with a glue gun.
  
  
• Rule Eight: More important than any of these, remember that we've been praying for this child since before God gave him breath, and we will continue to do so. If you're The One, we've been praying for you too. When and if he chooses a godly girl, we will be happier than Mr. and Mrs. Turtle when they finally exited the Ark, but until then we'll keep praying that both of you will pursue Jesus first, and watch everything else fall into place.
  

P.S: If you are a teenage girl who has read this and still has a smile on your face, go ahead and call. Our number is 1-800-321. If you somehow got through, just remember that your call may be monitored by our Customer Service Department.