Have you heard the facts about Chuck Norris?
- "There is no theory of evolution... just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live."
- "Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."
- "There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist."
- "The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer"
- "When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."
- "Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."
- "Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris."
- "Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs."
- "Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding."
- "Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice."
- "When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down."
- "Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head."
- "Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush."
- "There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up."
- "Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is."
- "Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door."
- "Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost."
- "Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV."
- "Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship."
And so on and so forth.
While this is all fun fan stuff written by guys who have drunk one too many Big Gulps in the same night, what is rather interesting and cool is how Chuck Norris has responded to it.
While I have as much fun as anyone else reading and quoting them, let's face it, most "Chuck Norris Facts" describe someone with supernatural, superhuman powers. They're describing a superman character. And in the history of this planet, there has only been one real Superman. It's not me.
Chuck even breaks down some of the fun claims in a way that is rather intriguing.
Sure, Chuck Norris has made some rather interesting choices in his movie career. And yet here he is turning the absurd into something rather awesome. While there still is a hint of oddity to this all, perhaps the intensity of the "Church Norris facts" combined with the deadpan claims about his faith in Christ make this the most tongue-in-cheek response while being simultaneously awesome.
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."
There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.
If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.
"Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe." - Chuck Norris