lime jello

This is my personal blog.

It's been a while since I blogged here... partly on purpose.

The last time I wrote something was just before my daughter had a seizure in January... then another. She was in the hospital and we were full of questions.

So much of our lives felt touch-and-go for a while. How could I possibly blog here?

Eventually we realized we could move forward... one cautious step at a time. But by that point I wasn't sure what to write of any personal nature.

It was around this time that someone blasted me apart in an email that was mass emailed out to 50 people (and yapped about by more than those 50). Most people saw through it, while others bought into it. Ironically, all I was trying to do was reconcile with the guy.

I was devastated. People I thought were friends suddenly became quite unfriendly. Who I am, my household and church became a "topic" - as if we could be discussed with criticism without feeling any sort of pain or damage.

By the way - a lot of pain and damage did occur.

Again, that came right after my daughter's hospital and medical issues.

As time went on, the person never apologized for it. I had to deal with the wake of it almost every other week as someone new was caught up in its ripples.

Somewhere in there I felt the sting of a financial gap. Our church had been struggling financially, so I took a voluntary pay cut. It meant extra side work was necessary for me to serve my household. In the process of taking on a ton of work all at once, I wrote two books, a lot of curriculum and more. That sounds good on paper, but I ran out of juice, time and more. The stress it caused was felt throughout my family. I thought I'd bottomed out internally.

This was when all of it started to collide together... the question of medical bills, financial strain, being misunderstood by people close to us and more... all of it... it all added up.

Toss in Easter... already a big deal, but we relaunched our church around then. We had a massive building project in the mix, too. Everyone had an opinion about everything. Much of it added up and subtracted me down to a divided spirit that only multiplied.

"Boo hoo... woe is me," I thought.

Then my best guy friend in all the world lost his daughter. She was ten and died almost instantly as they were all serving as missionaries in Africa.

Devastation.

Sometimes it takes perspective to have perspective.

I've spent a lot of time in the midst of all of this trying to figure out what it means to move forward. There's much I won't write here, including how some of the struggles haven't been mine alone to bear. Others I love are likewise working out what all of this means.

I mentioned to my friend that I had a memory from January of walking downstairs in the hospital when my daughter had finally relaxed to try to find something for my wife and I to eat. It was here that I saw it...

lime jello.

Look...

I'm a pastor, and I've visited many hospitals.

In every hospital that I can remember, I have always found lime jello.

You would think that I'd find something red more often than something lime... strawberry... cherry... maybe even raspberry.

Without fail, I always see lime jello.

I shared with my friend how absurd this is - as if there was some research that was done by hospitals and they reasoned that by putting lime jello in their selection that you would think, "I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting red. But lime jello... well... that's different."

Maybe you would then think, "Maybe the unexpected is still possible. Maybe a miracle can happen. Maybe there's more to life than this moment."

Who knows? Maybe it's that strategic and subliminal. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just that lime is cheaper than any other flavor.

Either way, it's there... all the time... lime jello.


You'll notice that I took that picture in January and waited until now to post it.

It's because this past week I found some lime jello in a few different moments I wasn't expecting:

• I found forgiveness for the jerk way I was treated and belittled in the mass email. It still hurts and I have to call it for what it was, but at this point I can love the flawed source behind it. How can I not? After all, isn't this what I ask of God everyday for myself?
• I watched the church I'm in be reborn before my very eyes. God did something amazing and profound that has His fingerprints all over it through the many hands of others. It's something I've been praying for years would happen.
• I had a conversation with someone who rediscovered the cross of Jesus Christ and likewise began a shoeless walk into His holiness and grace again. Again, something I've been seeking God on.

Lime jello.

I'm not sure what the future of this blog looks like, but years ago it gave me sanity to begin it when I was going through junk about junk. Somehow it helped me find my footing, not to mention my voice.

So between here, my leadership blog and a youth ministry blog I've been offered the chance to write for I'm going to be sharing my lime jello with anyone who wants some.

Need a spoon?

a few questions I'm asking

I wrote a heavy and honest letter about two weeks ago that I shared with my church family on Sunday. It's been sitting on my blog in "draft" form since then, and there have been several days when my mouse cursor has hovered over the "publish" button.

I've been praying about whether or not that letter belongs online, and have discerned that for the time being it does not. There are some whom I need to send it to, and I will... but in the meantime I'm going to share only a slice of it below.

What you'll see are some questions I'm asking of myself, as I intended myself to be a recipient of the letter as well as all my friends all around the world who proclaim a "changed life" due to a relationship with Jesus Christ.

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Perhaps I should start by admitting that I'm feeling a bit worn down. I've been plugging away at some pretty important things lately while trying to keep my main priorities my main priorities: God, Katie, kids, and everyone/everything else. There’s also a new baby in our house... and where there have been extra pockets of time beyond the extra hours I already put into work, I'm also writing two books I've been contracted for as well as many freelance projects that I'm hoping will help pay some medical bills we don't want to overwhelm us.

Again, I share all of that for context. I’m a hard-working person, just like I assume you are.

In the midst of all of that, I keep stepping up to bat as best as I know how in the attempt to make a real difference in life with and for Jesus Christ.

• As an individual, I am asking, "God, what are my blind spots?  What is my next step with you?  Do you want me to stretch in a new way or simply enjoy You today?  Do I really need to do what you've asked... because it's tough - not that I don't want to, but it's tough."
  
  
• As a husband, I am pondering, "What am I to do with the last significant conversations I've had with Katie?  How do I serve her more when some days I'd rather be selfish?  Am I treasuring the gift she is or taking advantage of the idea that she'll 'always be around'?"
  
  
• As a dad, I am wondering, "Do each of my kids have an individual relationship with me that that we both feel good about?  How can I say 'YES!' more often when they want to do something with me (without neglecting my other responsibilities)?  Am I aware of what they're going through positively and negatively... and am I a part of guiding them or am I neglecting them in some way?"
  
  
• As a pastor, I am saying, "Tony, pretend this is the last sermon you will ever preach this week... how are you going to be responsible with that opportunity?  And are you living in the big picture and the details of your church community with a healthy balance?  You can't do it all and solve everyone's problem - you're not God.  Are you, though, attempting to advance down the field with the ball God has handed you or letting it fumble on purpose?  And have you started relying on your abilities instead of the Lord?"
  
  
• As a friend/neighbor/relative, I am considering, "When I say I am someone's friend, do they know it in how I live?  What are my neighbors going through that I can be a support to?  How is my extended family these days and is there any role I play in their lives?  Who will I share Jesus with next?"

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All of this is simply being asked to put Christ-first in my life and help others to do the same.

a few words on why religion stinks

Consider this - One of the things that gets in the way of us having a true connection with God is the way we define that connection.

Like I said, consider that for a moment.

The way we define a connection with God is called "religion," and religion on its own simply stinks.

Out of my own life, when I was growing up, I was a "Catholic." I don't mean to put the quotes around that word to hint at any negativity, but rather because when I say "Catholic" I mean it was how I defined Catholic. For me that meant I'd pop into a church service at Easter and Christmas with my parents, vaguely pay attention if we attended other times of the year, and make the "Sign of the Cross" whenever I prayed. I believed "about" God, and occasionally I believed "in" God.

But that was it. It was my religion... it was how I chose to define my search for God (even though it was usually more of a shield I raised to feel like I could "checklist" off that part of my life and go on to do other things).

• Disclaimer: I know other people define their Catholic faith or upbringing more deeply than that. I have family members, for instance, who have found that to be true. But for me... that's not what it was. Maybe you know what I mean.
  

If you would've pressed me on it, I would have argued with you that I was a "Christian." Again - notice the quotes... a "Christian" as I defined it, and not as the Bible does. After all, I had a version of a Christian religion that I felt mechanically good with. It blended in well with how and where I was raised, for in the greater Chicagoland area I had opted for a popular choice. Among my peers, being a Catholic was usually a family tradition that at times was possibly religious. Only in very, very rare instances did I see it become authentically spiritual in a friend or two.

By the way... this post isn't about Catholicism. We don't need to debate about what it is or isn't, but I needed to share that so we can turn to what this post is really about.

One of the things that gets in the way of us having a true connection with God is the way we define that connection.

Because everything I just described is not just true of Catholicism. It's true of any church, including the one I serve in and enjoy growing in my relationship with God.

And it's true of even people who feel they have the closest connection to Him. Sometimes those who seem the most passionate about a certain way of pursuing God have forgotten that it's not the way we worship that matters... it's the object of our worship.

Let me give you a little glimpse of the punchline of what I'm talking about. In the book of Nehemiah, the Israelites have just come out of a time of slavery and are finally back in their own land. After much hard work at restoring many of their holy places, they enter in a time of worship. Those in spiritual authority cried out to the people:

"Stand up and praise the LORD your God, who is from everlasting to everlasting. Blessed be your glorious name, and may it be exalted above all blessing and praise." (Nehemiah 9:5-6)

If you read that passage quickly, you may miss the whammy of a thought hidden right there at the end... that who God is matters more than any blessing or praise.

Think about what that means... maybe it still hasn't hit you yet.

There is no form of blessing or praise - spoken, sung, enacted - that is more important than God Himself.

And yet...

One of the things that gets in the way of us having a true connection with God is the way we define that connection.

In other words, when we begin to worship "worship" more than the Lord Himself, we've created something inauthentic and tried to make it feel authentic.

• Perhaps you have grown comfortable in a routine that feels religious on your terms. And yet it is robbing you of a true relationship with God on His terms.
  
  
• Maybe there is an aspect of how you seek the Lord out that is your favorite way to do so. What happens when that itch isn't being scratched in the way you like it? Do you elevate that form of praise higher than you elevate the God the praise is intended for?
  
  
• Who or what gets to define if you are really on track with what it is you say you believe?
  
  
• Is the purpose of a church community to meet your needs? Or is the purpose of a church community a gathering of Christ-followers who decide to meet the needs God says matter?
  

Has the punchline hit you yet?

I have found that when I can put God in my pocket, He has ceased to be God.

• No bumper sticker is big enough to define Him.
• No style of worship is encompassing enough to praise Him.
• No denomination is true enough to exist without Him.
• No discovery is shiny enough to steal the spotlight from Him.
• No science is smart enough void of Him.
• No person is dirty enough that they don't matter to Him..
  

Perhaps you read this as a skeptic. Thanks for popping in... and I dare you to stop rejecting God as much as you're rejecting your idea of God. Please think about that for a moment.

Maybe you're processing through this as a religious person... again, thank you for your time. But don't let your self-defined pace of considering God keep your from recognizing the fiercely-tender, redemptively-holy One who is so much larger than you believe He is... so much more relevant to your life than you allow... so much more intimate with you than you are with Him.

Or it could be that you are taking all of this in as one who has chosen to step over the line and embrace the fire hydrant drink of Jesus Christ's love and His purpose for you here on planet earth. Again, even with you there will be a temptation to look for God-things to scratch itches only God is supposed to itch.

Even today, I wrestle with wanting to define my faith versus allowing it to be defined and refined by my God. I tell Him, "This is how we're going to best connect," and He says, "I'm actually trying to talk to you from over here. Peek-a-boo!"

There is a difference between playing your own music and asking God to dance to it, versus tuning into the soundtrack the Creator has set into motion and letting your life sway in new ways because of it... because of Him.

But as you dance, don't worship the dance or the music. Rather, enjoy and express your heart out to the One behind it all.

Religion? It stinks.

But God pursuing you isn't religion. 

He is an amazing Daddy who loves His kids.

And that... is a relationship worth letting Him define so you can more fully embrace it.

Take a look at that picture at the top of Adam and God again. Who of the two is stretching, and who of the two is barely lifting a finger to connect?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-lY8VQpSTY

coming Home

Over the weekend, my family and I made it safely back home and smack dab into a very cold bout of weather. Granted, we encountered some heavy snowfall during our visit to Michigan, but personally I'm just not a big fan of the nippy winds. Having grown up the Chicago area, one might expect the "Windy City" would be the worst... but I found that a few years in college in Indiana (and all it's flat lands where the wind builds and builds upon itself before it slices through you) still make me squirm for a fireplace the most.

I'm writing this simply because there is something about curling up in your own space, whatever that space may be. I picked up my neighbor from the airport yesterday who came back from a week in Florida. Even though he walked back into this weather, he also found that "there's no place like home."

It would seem that we all long for something... a place where we can fully unwind as "ourselves." We usually define that as feeling able to put on our familiar pajamas and silly slippers, or perhaps take off the tie/hat/shoes/slacks/etc that we have to "put on" as we head out each day.

But perhaps there is more to that... perhaps our desire to curl up by the heater or fireplace is a sign of something even deeper than getting warm. Maybe it's more about that longing to simply be who we really are and were meant to be.

Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. (1 Cor 13:12, NLT)

scary stuff

One of the scariest things in this world is to not know your place in it... to not know why you are here.

It's quite claustrophobic, actually. Without any markers or fences that tell you how far or close you are to a destination, your life can feel like an endless open field.

It's like the classic study on boundaries that was done on a school playground. In the early 1950s, a school was chosen and a fence was constructed around the playground. It was observed that the children not only had played all over the playground, but often directly next to the fence... sometimes even on it.

The second-half of the study required that the playground fence be removed, and the children were told they could play as they wished. Researches observed that the children got nervous and clustered their play in the center of the playground... they only ventured out to where the fence used to be when a toy or ball rolled in that direction.

How many of us want and need boundaries more than we realize? It's often our front desire to feel safe, but isn't our deeper desire to live a life of risk that is making ripples in the world>

There is great security in knowing that your life has a purpose... to know that you are not just taking up space but are making every space have meaning by your meaning. To know you are not a mistake...

because, in fact, you are not.

So how does one move from nowhere to somewhere? Can a people without a compass discover true north on their own? Is it possible for someone who doesn't speak the language everyone else is speaking to write a song to sing each day?

As far as I know, there is no formula... and so something would have to break through into our world incarnationally...

and we would have to allow it.

The good news is that the first part has already happened, but the second part seldom does.

But it can in your heart right now.

tasty conviction

Last night my family and I headed over to one of my favorite places to eat. We don't go there often, so I went in knowing it was a bit of a special treat.
Unexpectedly, I left having learned a powerful lesson in conviction.
A couple of things you should know:

• My wife and I like to read beneath the print of a menu. What I mean is that we often looks for ways to make the most of a dollar by ordering smaller portions, maximizing the kid's menu, and sharing things that can be shared. We enjoy a particular place in town that tells us our boys can eat off of the all-you-can-eat salad bar we've paid for - which really helps calm a hungry kid when he's waiting for those hot chicken nuggets to come out.
  
• I'd been looking forward to a special promotion I was about to take part in all year long. Without divulging the details of the restaurant, I can tell you that they try to fill you up with other stuff to lower your ability to maximize the promotion. So while I looked around at tables of people who were shoving bread into their mouth, I waited for my chance to enjoy the textured bliss that was about to dance with my palate.

The waitress came over in her crisply ironed uniform and did the usual shtick about the alcoholic beverages we could order. That's fine and I suppose, only we're not interested in that sort of beverage (it's fine and all if you do like such drinks and of legal drinking age, but we enjoy ice tea as our household beverage). And so we were waiting to get a word in about the waters we'd hoped to order... while our kids waited as well. About two minutes into the list she was sharing, I politely interrupted, "Um... thanks. We're not wine drinkers."
"Oh," she said. But then she kept talking another fifteen seconds about the options she hadn't yet mentioned, in case we were interested, even though I'd just told her we weren't.
Obviously, she was following a checklist in her head.
I then looked over some of the options on the menu and asked if I could combine two things together... nothing drastic like chicken and steak, but mixing two pasta sauces together. She seemed thrown off by that - and said in all the time she'd been working there no one had ever asked her to do that... but she'd check. Then my wife asked if we could order one kid's drink but have an extra glass for our boys to share it... she said that would be fine.
Only when the drink came, it wasn't as she'd said... and the sauce I'd asked for mixed was divided on the plate - half on one side and half on the other... and then when I asked for something I should have gotten for free (according to the menu), she said I'd have to be charged for it. I politely challenged her to ask a manager, and when she did she admitted she was wrong and had charged someone earlier a few times for it.
Here's the kicker - in that moment she said, "If you can't tell, this is my second day."
Ah... that would have been helpful to know. Her phrase earlier - "in all the time I've been working here, no one has ever ordered that" sort of implied something else. That's fine and all - we all have a first run at a job, but it helps to admit when we're new.
Don't worry - we tipped well and chose to not make a big deal out of some things that could have been a big deal. But I left with the conviction that we must do more than study the menu we're handed. Think about the many times in our faith when we say things out loud with conviction that we don't really have ownership of in our hearts. Sometimes it sounds like we know what we're talking about, but really we're just trying to keep up with the crisply ironed spiritual uniform we've put on.

• For atheists, it's the struggle of admitting that there are some good answers out there to our questions.
• For Christians, it's the struggle of admitting there are some good questions out there to our answers.
• For the agnostics, it's the struggle of admitting that questions can have answers and answers can have questions.

What is going on in your head when it comes to God? Do you find yourself following a checklist to keep up appearances? Or have you gotten to know the Master Chef, the ingredients He works with, what sort of process must something go through to turn out just right, and the testimony of others who have been enjoying His "dishes" since time began?
One will get you through your day with great religion... the other will empower you to taste and see that the Lord is good.
And as you "mmmmmm" out loud, every one around you will lean in.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." (Psalm 34:8)
"[Jesus] said to them, 'I have food to eat that you know nothing about.'" (John 4:32)